10. trust

i’ve watched

my world crumble,

the pain increased,

i’ve seen the lack

of empathy

in many that i meet,

saw idols turn to rivals,

looked down on those

that stood taller,

peaked behind the curtain

and saw the evil,

now i’m rejecting love,

i’ve let my heart grow cold,

allowed my trust

to dissipate

as i navigate

to avoid the snakes.

22, and i already feel

like i’ve had enough,

put through the wringer

and i still feel soaked,

had to save myself

from the stress

of society

and try to find

my own happiness,

even as i’ve turned

and embraced the cynic

that’s been living in me

since i had to fake

all those smiles.

but i’m learning how

to trust my mental,

it’s not the best

but it’s what i’ve got,

pieced together

and stitched with flaws,

mistakes will be made,

but we work to fix them,

i’ll be with me

from here on out,

no matter how tough,

who comes and who goes,

i’ll always have me,

a constant work in progress,

but a content soldier

with a point to prove

and a mark to be left.

so let’s do it.

9. blackballed

i don’t give in

to a system,

i don’t bite my tongue,

and i won’t let a soul

tell me what i write,

right or wrong,

i shape my stories,

place these words

on the page

and keep on fighting

as i wait for the day

where i get to bask

in the glory

of the success i made

that they all tried

to take away.

ever since i wrote “career,”

i’ve been blackballed,

the demons wanted me

to take the fall,

they’ve been haunting

and finding ways

to cause my failure

for far too long now,

feel like i’ve lived

every day

with my back planted

against the wall,

used to them wanting

to see me collapse,

but i’ll get my wins,

and on the way up,

they’ll be the ones

that’ll lose.

watch your chickens

come home to roost

for all the years

you threw me aside,

had so much pride

but out came the lies,

you tried to sabotage,

mess with my mind,

but try as they might,

i won’t fall down,

i’ll lead the way,

carve out my lane,

and when they try

to crawl back,

i’ll remind ‘em

of the times

where they turned,

tried to hold me down,

but you won’t put me out.

just wait and see.

8. run away

i’ve got things in life

i wanna leave behind,

the remnants

and memories

i’ve tried to forget,

burn it all away

and take the ones

that make life heavy,

remove me from the hell

that they create,

the toxicity that weighs

and takes a toll,

as their chaos grows,

it’s hard to go

and find a happy place,

because i’m stuck

in this awful state.

surprised to find

that time has not

been kind to you,

through all the years,

you never grew,

numbers went up

but you stayed the same,

never made a change,

i always took the blame,

all the things you did

for selfish gain,

made me believe

that i was at fault,

went about it

without a lick of regret,

and i’m sick and tired

of this insult.

i wanna run away,

change this part

of my story,

remove you from it,

handle myself

without the weight

of your pressure,

i wanna prove

my independence

that you contend

i have none of,

there’s no amending

for the sins of your past

when they bleed so much

into your present self,

i gave you every chance,

but now, i’m done.

just let me go.

7. loyalty

i live quietly,

but best believe

i see the signs,

take note of the energy,

watch all the fakes,

how they’re pampered,

made to believe

they’re the ones

doing it right,

no accountability,

just a shower of gifts,

while the rest compete

for slim pickings

because they don’t get

the pedestal.

punish the good

and reward the bad,

pamper them

with hugs and kisses

and a pat on the back,

no matter how much

they harass,

the double standard

is laughable,

treated like they

saved the world

when all they were

was toxic,

treat them like royalty

and kick away

the genuine ones.

what’s it take

to get some loyalty

these days?

everyone’s got priorities

in the wrong places,

wasting their energy

on the people

who don’t deserve it,

the manipulators,

putting on faces

to get further

than everyone else,

but i can’t wait

to watch it all crumble,

catch you being met

with a terrible fate.

clock’s ticking.

6. no love

how am i over here

heartbroken over someone

i haven’t even met?

get the butterflies

when i see your face,

but i haven’t said a word,

and you’re perfect,

but i’m not the one,

and i see you happy

with another lover,

but for some reason,

i can’t get over it,

and i’m hurting from it.

what kinda nonsense is that?

and why am i missing

the one that manipulated

and took advantage of me?

it never worked out,

things fell apart quick,

and everyone says

it’s bad for my health,

but i want you back,

i want to live

in a world with no anger,

where cooler heads prevail,

where all that mess

is just a bad memory

that we can put in the past,

where things work out

and no one talks down

about who you were,

but they see the good

in who you are today.

too late for that, i’d say.

in my dreams,

all i’m seeing

is the romance,

the love, the sex,

things i’ve never wanted less,

but yet, they still exist,

when i drift to sleep,

my thoughts obsess

on what i don’t have,

can’t say i need them

but why do i see them?

how do i simultaneously

feel satisfied and lonely?

individual but codependent,

scared of a commitment

but still wishing for it?

what am i doing?

5. burnout

got so much to do,

but no time to get there,

and i’m teetering

on the edge

as i try to keep up,

my switch flickers off

but i don’t rest,

i push through the stress,

even if it wrecks me,

expecting a result

but getting nothing,

this should be more,

starting to feel

the chances of success

do nothing but lessen.

good things come

to those who wait,

but i’ve been patient

for way too long,

and as i look around,

i still wonder

if i lost my shot,

wonder if i’ll ever find

a sense of triumph

as a content soldier

trying to make

the battalion proud,

but instead, i drown,

with no slowing down,

i’m stuck with this burnout.

the tank’s on empty,

but frantically,

the pedal gets pushed,

trying to get it going,

but i’m slowing,

the lack of stamina’s

got my brain

all over the place,

moving every direction

except forward,

and i’m waiting

for the day where i crash,

buried by the burden,

back to feeling worthless,

thought i made progress,

but i’m back where i started.

4. saturate

where do i go?

my words don’t flow

like they did

years ago,

and every time

i sit down and try

to tell you the tale,

everything escapes.

the honesty,

the rawness,

the feeling,

i know all the answers

until it’s crunch time,

there’s a poem to jot,

but it escapes my head,

how do i get it back?

it was the pain

that made me

pick up the pen,

so what do i write

when i’m feeling alright?

and how do i make

the emotion hit

the way it once did?

did i box myself in?

wrote my way

into a corner

that won’t let me out,

and i look back

at the empire i built,

afraid it’s cracking,

on the verge of collapsing.

did i blow it all at once?

saturate it with albums

at a record pace,

but now i can’t figure out

what to say.

do i deserve to continue

telling my story?

or will i leave them

constantly asking

“where is he?”

has the crown

been slowly slipping

off of me?

as the written word,

once my best friend,

has turned itself

into an elusive enemy?

what comes next?

3. condition

woke up with an ache,

it’s typical,

i stare in the mirror,

don’t look sick

but i feel it,

one of those days

incoming,

turning in knots,

all i can do

is lay in bed,

diet of soup and toast,

they say ginger ale

is the miracle,

but i’m waiting for it

to kick in.

i’ve known i’m not normal,

nine long years,

gone in and out

of hospitals,

and it won’t go away,

i know i’ve got it

for the rest of my life,

i’ve fought for this long

and i know i have

to keep going,

it’ll always hang over me

with everything i do,

and i know that

i can handle it.

but i just want a day

without the stomach pain,

where i won’t

have to worry

if my dinner

will rip me to shreds,

where a trip

to the bathroom

won’t feel like

a death sentence,

where i don’t

have to constantly think

about my condition

taking away great things

that i’m offered in life,

where that interference

is non-existent,

where i didn’t

have to feel

like sick days

were the standard.

where i was normal.

2. useless

every time i think

i’ve got things

under control,

i find myself falling

back in the same holes,

there’s too much pressure

i’m struggling to handle,

carrying the weight

of the world

on my shoulders,

and now they’re breaking,

i’m the one they fated

to create great things,

but all i’m doing

is wasting away,

trying to smile and pretend

everything’s okay,

but slowly, i’m fading,

not worth saving,

every day, i feel useless.

and there’s some people

i care about

that have been gone

for way too long,

i start to wonder

if they’d want me around,

i’ve lost too many before,

and the fear of rejection

is kicking in again,

how many friends

will i have left?

don’t think i have it in me

to win this battle

against the world,

weakened and drained,

i’m losing my grasp,

don’t know where i go next.

will i even make it to 25?

and am i staying alive

for the quality of life?

or just to say that i survived?

gain some bragging rights

while i’m losing my mind?

worn down by the grind,

no matter how hard i try,

i’m not thriving,

rather go into hiding,

required to keep smiling,

pretend that i’m fine,

chilling on cloud nine

and making stars align,

but on the inside,

i feel like i’m dying.

1. breaking

like a wrecking ball

to a worn-out stadium,

the walls are crumbling,

tried to piece them

back together,

but nothing holds up,

i’m breaking apart

in front of your very eyes,

watch and be amazed

as i try, in vain,

to appear okay,

while the pain overtakes me,

can’t keep my head straight,

and these days,

can’t bring myself to say

that i feel great.

and i’m finding

that the times

where i’m dead inside

are when i feel

the most alive,

breaks the monotony

of the moments spent

moving like a zombie,

numb to it all,

i stay desensitized,

then every once in a while,

the thoughts pile,

feel like a fleet

of a hundred miles,

brain at a 120 frame rate,

and light or dark,

it never slows.

lately, i’m feeling

scared to go to sleep,

sink into the pillow

and my breath shortens,

almost feel the blanket

suffocating me,

and closing my eyes

is the scariest part,

i’m always worried

they won’t open tomorrow,

insomnia rushing back,

every time i think i’ve tamed

the vicious beast,

it arrives to disrupt the peace

and remind me that,

no matter how hard i try,

i’ll always be broken.

life’s fucked.

lifestyle of the jaded and nameless preface

while my poetry output has slowed from what it once was, that doesn't mean i don't still have it in me to put out new work. after five months, i finally have a new poetry album (my 28th full-length project) which i've titled "lifestyle of the jaded and nameless." i'm sorry it took so long to release, but as i mentioned, i'm not as good at writing poetry in a short amount of time as i used to be. i've been working on this project since september of last year, but a number of major changes and new priorities have taken my attention away from poetry a bit. even so, poetry is something that will never leave me, and i feel like i'll always have stories to tell. originally, this project was gonna be shorter than the usual 10 poems (it was gonna have 8), but at the last minute, i had a bit of a creative burst and was able to get two more written. this album has a lot of very tough, personal tales in it, but it was an extreme labor of love and i'm so happy to finally put it out for everyone to read. i hope you all enjoy it.

1. breaking

2. useless

3. condition

4. saturate

5. burnout

6. no love

7. loyalty

8. run away

9. blackballed

10. trust