12. i hope (you will)

i hope
you keep
getting excited
for the future.
i hope
you keep yourself
motivated and prepared
to do whatever
you set your mind to.
i hope
you remind yourself
to be happy
and make sure
to keep those around you
just as excited.
i hope
you never have to worry
about losing it all.
i hope
your greatest wish
arrives at your doorstep.
i hope
you become
your own biggest fan,
and always
remain confident
in everything you do.
i hope
you prove
all of your doubters wrong
and make the world
your oyster,
push yourself further
than you’ve ever pushed before,
make things that are beautiful,
find someone that you
can love forever,
and live the happiest
possible life
that you can live.

and i say i hope,
but i know that
you will.

you will
make the future exciting
not just for you,
but for the friends
that are always there for you.
you will
keep spreading
the love and positivity
that we need more of
in the world today.
you will
find true love
and live a beautiful life
with them.
you will
light the biggest fire
under your ass
and never let
that fucker burn out.
you will
keep pushing yourself
to always get better,
to always improve,
to be the best you can be,
to never let life
stop you from
being passionate and excited,
to create beauty,
be it in your work
or otherwise,
and to never let anyone
stop you from being
who you really are
and who you want to be.

you will succeed.

i promise.

11. i'm still me

i’ve been hardened
over time,
pretty sure we
all have.
it’s all in the head,
and it’s different
from before.
my mentality,
my mindset,
my attitude
has been changed
and as i’ve said,
hardened.

he hardened me
when he didn’t
call to ask
if i was alright
after the cops came in
and a man with a gun
made me feel unsafe
in the place
that he manages.
and even after
four months and counting,
we still haven’t spoken,
never not once.

she hardened me
when she told me
not to put my face
on a camera
for the sake of
“visual interest”
and showed me how
self-centered and arrogant
the industry could be
when you get that
super big nomination
that gives you
all the willpower
to say as you please.

and you hardened me
when you told me
you’d “love forever”
and that we’d
“never lose contact”
before you conspicuously
stopped talking to me
with no rhyme or reason
if i’d done anything wrong.
you said you’d always be there
to make me laugh and happy,
but it’s been two years
since you dipped,
and it still kinda hurts,
losing a close friend…

but i’m still me.

a little harder
and more of a cynic,
but i’m still the same,
spreading the love
and positivity to those
that are part of my life,
and to all the people
that worked to harden me,
thank you,
because you made me better,
and while i’m not sure your motives,
i respect you all,
and now i’m at peace,
and i wish nothing but the best
as you move forward in life.

i may have changed
just a little bit,
but i’m still me.

10. famous

i gotta say,
i’m glad i’m
not famous right now.
everyone used to say
“i wanna do this,
i wanna do that,
i want the cameras
following me,
i want the world
to know me,”
and i may have
thought that before,
but i’m glad
i’m not thinking like that.

if i was famous,
i wouldn’t be able
to go to the bathroom
without a camera staring
at me.
if i was famous,
i’d have spray-tan
tweeting about me
at 3 in the morning
because disagreeing
with him is
“WRONG!”
if i was famous,
my friends would
feel uncomfortable
because they’d be
getting followed like me.
if i was famous,
i wouldn’t even HAVE time
for my friends.

there’s more to life
than just having
a wikipedia page
and being all over
the news.
life is chill
as it is right now,
so i’m not quite ready
to change everything
and be that big.

not that it wouldn’t be nice, though…

9. uncertainty

you just never know
what could happen tomorrow.
how much different
your life is gonna be
in just a short time.
and i felt that,
in more ways than one.

december i wrote
an album in one day,
and i didn’t think
it would happen,
but the day
i wasn’t ready for
came crashing in
all too fast.
there’s been a void since,
that last day
laying in bed cuddling
with you one last time,
still hurts me now,
because i see your picture
and i want to hold you
one last time.

and as i write
these words on this page,
i didn’t think writing
was what i would do
for the rest of my life.
i thought i’d be
running around with a camera,
but when you peak
behind the curtain,
there’s some things
you just don’t want,
and it’s better to focus
on your needs.

i didn’t think
some of my best friends
would come into my life
this quickly.
i wasn’t sure
i’d make such close bonds
in a one-month span.
funny how
time changes
so quickly.
you don’t know
where things will be tomorrow,
so enjoy life now,
and as lewis always says…

keep moving forward

8. knee-deep

4:44 in the morning,
i lay and imagine
all the beautiful things
we could do together.

netflix and chill
doesn’t have to be
what everyone thinks:
there’s plenty of disney films
on there, ya know.
or maybe we can
relax on the couch,
fire up the playstation,
and let kingdom hearts
sweep us in,
you’ll be the kairi
to my sora.

or maybe you can
show me your
artwork,
and teach me your process.
i can bring you to
my keyboard downstairs,
i’ll play some chords,
and we’ll sing
the night away,
sweet songs about love,
and happiness,
and being together.

man, i’m so sentimental,
hopelessly knee-deep,
just waiting forever,
scared out of my mind.
you’re too sweet,
what do i have
to be scared of?

well, myself actually.
what if i mess up?
what if i say
the wrong thing?
what if i come on
too strong?
what if i end up
too cheesy?
what if you
end up
liking someone else?

it’s a vicious cycle,
longing for just
one person.
took 19 years
for me to even
think about such a thing,
guess all i can do
is just wait;
it could take 353 days,
maybe more, maybe less,
you can never tell
how long “soon” is,

but i’ll keep waiting.

7. happy thoughts

can’t even walk
without feeling unsafe,
can’t even turn
without thinking you’re there,
and i know it’s
all in the mind,
but the visions purge through,
they’re so real yet so fake.

and i hear all
the little noises,
start thinking
something will get me,
but my mind just
makes everything up,
creates a vibrant image
of my fears
and throws them at me
in the strangest of times.
might as well
put me up there
with winona
because i’m uneasy,
and if this keeps up,
i’ll lose my will, too.

you knew that one was coming,
didn’t you?

it had to be there,
i need the peace,
get in a better frame
of mind,
stop letting my brain
control my visions
and stop creating
these things that just
don’t happen
because of my fear.

think of her,
her smile,
her kindness,
imagine yourself
with her,
think of how she
stole your heart,
but how she’s done
such a beautiful job
holding it hostage
and treating it well.

think happy thoughts.

6. walls

the walls around me,
they close in tighter,
and i can’t take
this pressure
any longer.
the pain courses
through my whole body,
i thought i could
isolate it to just one,
but now it’s taking over,
and i don’t know
how to stop it.

no single medicine
can ease the burden,
the hottest of showers
relaxes me temporarily,
but once i’m out,
i just fall right down.
there’s no longer
any feeling
in any part of me,
and i just want
to go to my bed,
but i can hardly move.

my heart races,
my breath shortens,
my fear grows,
as i wonder
what happens next?
i crawl to my bed,
climb onto it
and close my eyes.
everything around me
just stop!
please!
walls, stop closing!
pain, go away!
give me back
the energy i once had!

but then, the next morning,
it’s all gone.
suddenly, it’s back to normal:
the walls go back
to where they’re supposed to be,
the medicine worked out,
i’m wide awake,
the feeling is back,
and i’m eager
to take on the day.

pretty strange, huh?

5. runner

you invaded my home.
everything was peaceful
until you showed up
and gave a huge scare.
i can’t even feel comfortable
walking around
because you’re here,
and you refuse to leave.

my bed’s being pushed
from against the wall,
dad says i have to
get rid of my stuffed animals
despite my love for them
because he thinks
you’re around them
and he wants to
knock your fucking
brains out,
really bad, too.

but despite my
constant fear of you
and the way you make
living in this house
feel unsafe and scary,
why do i feel
sympathetic?

why do i feel
so uneasily gentle?
why do i feel like,
as much as i want you out,
i don’t want you to get bashed?
why is my brain
writing a screenplay
of these very events
as they unfold?
why do i imagine
this is gonna become a story,
where i befriend you
and keep you safe?

i’m filled with fear
over your very presence,
but for some reason,
i feel like
i want you out safely.
why do you leave me
feeling so conflicted?
why don’t you just
leave us alone?

why don’t you just go?

4. perfect

the world sees
the things that i do,
and then their thumbs
go all the way up,
almost automatically.
why is that?

is it that easy
to like every
little thing that i do?
it’s like all this time,
i wanted to be
noticed and liked,
but now i question
if that’s genuine?

does it seem realistic
that people like
all of my work?
where does the improvement
come in?
what happens if
the people tell you
there’s no need
for improvement,
that everything’s just fine?
how does one
continue to push themselves
if they’ve already
stretched the limits
of what they can do?

there’s that one saying
that when you have everything
you could ever want,
you start to ask “now what?”
and i don’t even
have everything i want,
but i’m asking “now what?”
where do my words
go from here?
this isn’t as easy
as it once was,
but i still
want to do it.
when do i stop?

hopefully never.

3. centralization

to the world,
he’s just a funny,
sweet guy,
wishing the best
for those around him,
cracking jokes,
smiling,
loving life and people
and just wanting
to spread positivity.

but as he sits,
typing at his laptop,
his thoughts consume him,
and he questions his
different moods.
he type out words
that express feelings
most wouldn’t expect
out of him,
and it’s not all
sunshine and roses.

these two forms
couldn’t be more different,
but they still
hang out and game,
have conversations
with each other,
hell, they even
sleep with each other!
but they still don’t
agree on anything!
hows that work?

the weirdest crossover in months,
they worry him,
because they make him wonder
if people will call him “fake.”
it’s not like he lies,
he does want others to be happy,
but when he writes all of his words,
he questions if his
more sociable personality
will make his poems
seem like a facade.
he’s still a nice guy,
but he battles everyday
with anxiety,
and he wants positivity
in spite of his fear
and constant worrying.

it’ll happen soon enough.

2. confidence

used to be
the one that had
all the self-confidence
because it took me a while
to build it up,
but once i got it
i didn’t let go.
i was always proud
of everything i did,
and i wasn’t worried
about anything.

now my confidence
is on the tip
of the iceberg
because some lady
made me whine
when she told me
to never put myself
in front of
a camera again.
and i know it’s petty
to keep bringing it up,
but that shit still stings
because i don’t get
what it means.
it’s cool when others do it,
but i’m the asshole
when i try it out?

fuck that,
you say it’s not
“visually interesting,”
what about everyone else?
they all
better have gotten
the same exact comment
from you.
you’re supposed to help
motivate those down below,
especially when you
got a nomination
that makes your
small stature
worth looking up to,
but apparently,
motivating and helping
just isn’t your thing.

what’d you get
nominated for
all those years ago?
a thesis?
well, here’s a thesis for ya:
“interest in social justice
doesn’t mean a damn thing
when your words
cause a flood of anxiety
on your students.”
hope that caught your eye,
because that sounds like
the beginning of a
“visually interesting”
paper to me.

eminem once said,
“if you bitches are trying
to strip me of my confidence,
mission accomplished.”
i bet he was
talking about you,
because for a teacher
that’s supposed to encourage,
you’ve done more hurt
than help
for me.
but you don’t care
how many words
i throw on this page,
nothing will change,
because the sad truth
is that you’ll still be
self-absorbed
and arrogant,
like the biggest ones are.
and i can’t be shocked…

since you’re a slytherin.

1. what if

what if

i lose all of

my motivation

for the art?

what if

i give up myself

for the money?

what if

i end up

doing something

with myself

that i don’t want to do?

what if

i wait for love

and watch her go

to someone else?

what if

kendrick’s third verse

on the song of

the fear of

losing it all

was talking about me?

what if

i join jon

and hit that

all time low,

will i get up?

what if

i die

before i do

everything i want?

what if

i get too scared

to continue my career

because of some

bad critiques?

what if

my characters

end up too flat

and my stories

too bland?

what if

all my positive energy

just dies out

in a sudden flash?

what if

i’m stripped

of all my self-confidence?

what if

all my hopefulness

is just a facade?

what if

i exhaust my ideas

and burn out too quick?

what if

everything that i

could ever want

just goes away

in a sudden poof,

and i die alone

with nothing to stand for

and nothing to be proud of,

and everything

that i’ve done in life

just goes away

in the blink of an eye?

what if i fail?

i'm still me preface

my fourth full-length poetry album, "i'm still me," is my longest one yet with 12 poems. a lot of different things happened in my life between this album and my last few albums, so i wanted to write about some of those things, and i knew from the jump, seeing as how i was doing so much drafting and writing in general, that i wanted to make this album longer than any of my others. i'm really excited about it, though, it's definitely a special project for me. here's the listing of each poem, and again, i won't explain what they're about. i want to leave it to your imaginations.

1. what if

2. confidence

3. centralization

4. perfect

5. runner

6. walls

7. happy thoughts

8. knee-deep

9. uncertainty

10. famous

11. i'm still me

12. i hope (you will)

5. myjae's poem

what even happened to me?
the perfect,
kind-hearted little boy
that put everyone
before him
to bring happiness?

well, what hardened him?
was it the people he met
at his ex-job?
were the tabloids
blowing up?
is someone gone?
why do you keep
hurting yourself?

for a minute,
i couldn’t even
recognize you,
behind the wear and tear,
the fear, the discomfort,
the lack of enthusiasm,
it’s just not right.

why do i have
to be this way?
can’t i go back
to who i was
before life got hard,
everything got thrown at me,
and even the sunniest days
felt dreary and dark?

“i don’t even want
to leave my house,
i want to stay in my room
with no interactions.
keep people
out of my room,
and don’t try to get help.”
that’s not me,
but it’s what comes out
when i speak.

someone, fix me.

4. alexandra's poem

everything changes,
that’s what we’re told,
and it’s true.

you tend to miss
the carefree days
of being 5 years old,
playing your ps2,
watching blue’s clues,
and playing along to
whatever you can.
those magical days
where your homework
resolved around coloring
and solving mazes.

you’d be shocked
how much things change
over time:
2+2=4
changes into
y=mx+b,
free education
stops being a thing
once you’re legal,
part-time jobs
cause even more
emotional stress
than they need to,
and some of those
closest to you
leave sooner than you
want them to.

oh, and remember
that girl who had cooties?
yeah, the one you
ran away from
in first grade
because she wanted
to kiss you?
you said no because
of cooties, right?
well, guess what?
she may have been
the one that loved you
more than anything,
but now it’s gone:
she has a boyfriend,
soon to be engaged,
and you,
spending your life single,
wish every day
for your new crush
to notice you.

it can hurt,
watching everything change
in the blink of an eye.
but you’ve gotta approach it
with finesse,
because live is too short
to waste on the
sad and the frustrating.
it’s scary,
but it depends on how
you approach it.

and at 19, it’s tough,
but i think you can do it.

3. sean's poem

as my exhaustion grows,
i chase after
those beautiful moments
that may be implausible,
but in the other world,
anything goes.
all you need
is your imagination
to bring you back
to the most wonderful times
or to put you
in the hypothetical scenarios
you wildly long for.

but the other world
has its drawbacks:
sometimes those moments
that it creates for you
are not so beautiful,
instead they’re dark
and dreary,
maybe even scary,
and they leave you
in a restless state,
not wanting to count sheep
but not wanting to close your eyes,
for fear you’ll return
to the dark side
of the other world.

it’s never something
you know will happen:
you pray for the best
before the light shuts off
and the rem begins,
and as your thoughts swirl,
you hope once and for all
that a good memory gets picked
so the light side of the other-world
gets a special guest.

sweet dreams.

2. chris's poem

well, isn’t that strange.
you guys don’t talk anymore?
you used to be
peas in a pod,
woody and buzz,
timon and pumbaa,
spongebob and patrick,
it was a bond
that you couldn’t break
no matter what you used.
so what happened?

maybe it was you,
hanging around with others,
changing the way you act
and fitting more with them.
maybe you two
were more different
than you initially thought
and it drove you away
to another group.

or maybe it was them,
acting like they were
your entire life,
and that having friends
other than them
was not to be tolerated.
wanting to be
head honcho,
the royalty atop the throne,
they couldn’t stand to see it.
you? with someone else?
couldn’t be?

or, ya know,
maybe you both had issues
that the other couldn’t solve.
maybe you guys
just weren’t meant
to be that close
and learning about each other
more and more
took all the love away.

it happens,
sometimes people
try to make it work,
but they just can’t.
it’s humbling, though,
it gives you some time
to work on yourself
and realize that
you could be better tomorrow
than you are today,
so that one day,
you and that friend
will get things back on track.

1. faheem's poem

what do we make
of the world that we
live in?
we used to think
“fitting in” with the crowd
was the root of all evil,
but is it?
what’s wrong with a little
normality?
and what’s with everything
being compared to
the old stuff?

“back in my day,
we had none of this here
autotuned music!!!
all you kids are just
buried in your smartphones!
back in my day,
we didn’t need no calculators
to do our math homework,
we were just that smart!!!”

well,
what’s wrong with autotune?
it’s not always a crutch,
there’s beauty to it,
it allows for artistic expression,
unique-sounding music,
what’s so wrong with that?

our smartphones
might be addicting,
but there’s so much
to explore on them.
why wouldn’t we
bury our faces
when all the info
in the world
is in the palm
of our hands?

and as for that
calculator comment…
well, we’d love to
get off our calculators
if you took time to realize
there’s more to life
than getting a high mark
in your math class,
especially when your career
requires no math class
and you’re drowning
in crippling debt.

whoa, mood whiplash.
cut, flip the tape, go again.

society is a wild beast.
you can never tame it,
you can never give it
a straight answer,
you can never
get a 100
in its class,
but what you can do
is make it all yours
and fit it to your desires.
there’s no right answer
on how society functions,
it’s just how you interpret it.

so what do you see?

the people's poetry preface

this was a plan that i had for quite some time: a poetry album/mini-album where i write about topics suggested to me by others. all of the poems were named after the people that suggested them. i won't tell you guys what the topics were, i'll just have you figure them out on your own, but here's the order of the poems:

1. faheem's poem

2. chris's poem

3. sean's poem

4. alexandra's poem

5. myjae's poem