status update

can’t even begin to
describe it, it’s true,
realizing it more and
more, i’m at a point
in my life quite a few
couldn’t get to before,
year number four and
it’s coming at me fast,
time moves in a flash,
i keep pushing forward
and i’m just trying to
keep my head on me.

but i still can’t tell
where i’m headed,
i’m going in every
different direction.
just as confident as
i am nervous, just as
happy as i am sad, a
beautiful mess, elated
and then deflated, i’m
making the best of it,
just can’t tell right now
if i’m great at it, guess
i’ve gotta just stay at it.

hurts that lately, i’ve
been thinking of you,
and i know that i said
i wouldn’t write about
that but fuck this, i’m
back on my bullshit,
started to wish that
pettiness didn’t get
in the way and i want
this to go right back to
what it was before, not
just for you but for those
around, distanced myself
from some surrounding us,
wish things would work out.

guess i felt i should show
what my headspace is like,
give a quick diary entry, not
hold this inside, number 25,
i try and i try, it’ll take a while
to get it right, but my sights
are set on it, i’ll get on it, i’m
planning it, not panicking, so
bear with the slow news weeks,
but don’t look too deep in, you
might have an idea what it’ll be
if you look back in the capsule.

don’t go too far.

10. sorry

i’m sorry.

i couldn’t do better.

i wasn’t good enough.

i messed up.

i pushed you away.

i made you unhappy.

i made you uncomfortable.

i’m such a screw-up.

i made you wanna leave.

i was awful.

i never deserved you.

i’m wallowing again.

i can’t stop myself.

i say i’m doing fine.

i’m really not.

i wish you cared.

i miss you so much.

i wish you came back.

i wish life got better.

i’m sorry.

9. leaving

oh, you’re leaving?

i knew you would.

no one stays long.

why are you going?

is it my fault?

is it your fault?

i should’ve been better.

life’s not fair.

you’re so mean.

why are you leaving?

you won’t even answer?

what are you, a ghost?

i miss you already.

i made you wanna go.

why am i not good enough?

why can’t i be normal?

they all left me.

and now you’re going, too.

i’m just not worth it.

well fine then, leave.

everyone else left.

why don’t you?

goodbye!

8. dead

did i ever tell
you the story?

of my old friend?

well, he died.

it was really sad.

i cried for weeks.

we hung out the
day before he left.

he was so happy.

he told me he loved me.

he thanked me for
being a good friend.

he gave me a big hug.

he usually hated hugs.

it was strange, but nice.

the next day, they found him.

he was hanging.

they looked through his
phone and found a video.

he addressed me in it.

he told me he wanted
me to be happy, that i
was better without him.

but i’m not better.

i want him back so bad.

i miss my friend.

7. war

did you know i
fight in a war?

it’s explosive.

i’m on my own
team, though.

i shoot all of
the cannons.

and i take all
of the attacks.

the battles are intense.

you wouldn’t even
find these when you
play a video game.

but i never really
tell anyone of them.

they don’t even know.

i trust you enough
to tell you about it.

but i bet that you
still won’t see it.

i can tell, but i can’t
demonstrate it to you.

you’ll have to see for
yourself if i’m fighting.

i could be in a battle
right as i’m talking.

i might have just
fired off a shot.

can you tell?

6. pain

everyone loses.

life inflicts pain.

everyone says
it doesn’t hurt.

they’re lying.

no one is happy
all of the time.

they just don’t want
to make you scared.

on the inside,
they’re losing.

you just don’t
see that side.

only they do.

they say they’re
doing fantastic.

but they just lost
their dear friend.

and their grandfather
will leave them soon.

you can see right
through the smile.

they’re clearly faking it.

can’t you see that
they haven’t slept?

life’s taking a hold.

right now, they’re losing.

there’s just too much pain.

5. pills

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

this party is
pretty crazy.

i’m trying a lot
of new things.

i feel a lot better
after the xanax.

is that what molly
really looks like?

there’s so much
going on here.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

we don’t need
just the tablets.

give me more of
that purple stuff.

come fill up my
styrofoam cup.

i’m having fun.

i never wanna
go back home.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

there’s a needle.

i’m scared of needles.

but it looks cool.

someone just told me
to go sniff the sugar.

i sniffed it, and
it wasn’t sugar.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

wonder if mother
will be mad at me.

she might kill me.

if these don’t kill
me first, that is.

i was happy.
now i’m sad.

i wanna do this again.

pills, pills, pills,
pills, pills, pills.

4. fun

this place used to
be a lot more fun.

it was brighter here.

everything was so
much happier, too.

there were a lot of
people hanging out.

but that was a
long time ago.

now, it’s so empty.

and everything’s dark.

i don’t know why.

i wish that i had
an answer for it.

i don’t think i did
anything wrong.

but i don’t think
they did, either.

so i don’t have
a single clue of
what happened.

it was all so quick.

one minute, it’s happy.

next minute, it’s not.

maybe i’m too old
to feel that again.

maybe it’s just not
meant to be for me.

i wish this place
could be fun again.

3. muscles

i have big muscles.

they’re very strong.

but nobody ever
gets to see them.

i hide my muscles
behind my laptop.

typing is the way
i get my workout.

i feel protected
by my keyboard.

it’s the only place
that allows me to
flex my muscles.

i don’t need a gym.

just a computer
or a cell phone.

as long as it has
a keyboard that
i can type with.

i do so many
workouts with
the keyboard.

sometimes i like
to type quickly.

i also like paragraphs.

i used to hate essays.

but now i like typing
them on a keyboard.

i used to lie
in my essays.

i still do today.

teachers don’t read these.

but you’ll definitely see them.

i love having muscles.

2. snakes

there used to be
more people here.

now there aren’t.

they took their
pets with them.

i liked the pets.

they had snakes.

it was weird, but
they were gentle.

they were so kind.

i miss the snakes.

it sounds strange, but
i wish they came back.

i thought they were nice.

did you ever have pets?

what was your favorite?

puppies are cool.

cats are very nice, too.

but i was really stuck
on those old snakes.

i was attached to them.

i wish they had the
chance to meet you.

i miss the snakes.

1. greeting

welcome to my world!

will you stay with me?

we’ll have so much fun!

we’ll talk for hours.

there’s so much to do.

you’ll never wanna leave.

i’m sure you’ll stay.

no one else did.

you seem different.

you look amazing.

i can’t wait to see you!

will you get bored of me?

can we be friends?

you’ll make us happier!

i feel so terrified.

i’m so glad you’re here!

it’s been lonely lately.

you’re a new person.

we don’t get many of those.

you intimidate me.

you bring me joy.

i hope you stay forever.

welcome to my world!

trance preface

this is my 24th album. it’s called “trance.” i hope it hypnotizes you.

1. greeting

2. snakes

3. muscles

4. fun

5. pills

6. pain

7. war

8. dead

9. leaving

10. sorry