i’ve been holding onto hope
for far too long,
keep telling myself
that it’ll have to get better,
something will change
and luck will return,
but it feels like each day,
there’s a new worst,
thought i’d reached the lowest point
but somehow,
i’ve buried the bar underground.
it never gets easier,
just a little less sad,
every day
is a new kinda bad,
i just wanna be
a better friend,
but i just keep finding ways
to mess it up again.
i’m sorry for the times
when i’m distant,
i just get busy
thinking
of all the reasons
why i don’t deserve you,
i didn’t wanna do it again,
but i’m back to feeling
like they all deserve better
than me.
that self-hate
is what sent me
to the worst place
in the first place,
i thought i could escape
but it always
finds a way
to drag me back in,
creating more harmful
ruminations
that i can’t erase,
do whatever it takes
but they won’t go away.
comparison
is the root of all evil,
but i can’t stop doing it,
they all got
these big plans
and ambitions,
while i’m nothing
but dreams and delusions.
and the tides of life
got me terrified,
got me scared
of ending up alone,
everyone wants
to find a new place
to call home,
but the city’s
the only home i know.
let me get out of my mind,
just for a bit,
i tell everyone else
that life is worth it,
i wish i felt that
about myself,
suffocated by my own
expectations
and i’m just trying
to reach them,
even though i can’t breathe,
guess i’ll keep
holding onto hope
that i find some relief.
i’m going home now.
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