sun beckons in my room
and i haven’t slept
a minute,
the insomnia’s
been winning
and it’s hard to fix it,
the winter
casts its firm grasp
once again,
the weakest season
where happy moments
feel fleeting,
and a fresh start
gets thrown in the trash.
it’s a dark time
and it feels endless,
i’m trapped
in my perpetual sadness
and the self-hate
creeps its way
back in,
suddenly,
everything comes crashing down,
and positivity
is nowhere to be found.
and every time i bounce back,
it never lasts,
only feel it for a minute,
then it’s gone in an instant,
every habit
gets its benefits depleted
in no time flat,
and i’m back to feeling
like i’m worthless,
like everything i do is bad.
every mistake i make
feels catastrophic,
it’s all exploding
around me,
and i’m vibing
while surrounded
by fire,
and once it all burns down,
i’m seated in the rubble,
because everything i love
has started to crumble.
embarrassed about
my own existence,
feel like i wanna disappear
for just a little bit,
retreat back to my shell,
i thought I finally broke out,
but now,
i’m right back where i started,
it’s like i can never
be comfortable for long
because bad luck
is creeping around the corner.
i once won an award
in school
for being in the background,
so maybe hiding
is something i’m destined for,
maybe i’m just bound
to push away
all the good people
that come my way,
they’ve been there
and continued to care
despite my bad mental state,
and i feel like
i’ve only caused them pain.
and every time
i think i could shake
the demons from the past,
they come back
to lead me astray.
do scars ever
truly heal?
or do they merely fade
and serve
as a painful reminder
of your worst days?
25 but i still got
a lot of growing to do,
i wanna get out
of my own way,
escape the darkest parts
of my own brain,
and be the version of me
my people deserve,
i’ve barely been ready
to be an adult
since day one,
but i’m tryna do better,
and i only hope
that better
is good enough.
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