another trip around the sun,
25 but who’s counting?
i’ve got everything
that i could ever want
outside of love,
success, comfort,
stability and sanity,
but i’ve got everything else!
wake up midday
to a feeling of dread,
but at least i’m feeling
anything at all,
still have to wait
to talk to a therapist,
but i struck up
a nice conversation
with the wall.
waste an hour
after my shower
while i ponder
all the troublesome thoughts,
then remind myself
how much the hobbies i loved
no longer bring me much.
it’s a quiet life
but it’s the life for me,
i’m like cassie
the way i’ve never ever
been happier,
we’re all just trying
to keep it together,
but like peter, i’m just
tryna do better,
and i’m failing miserably.
i say that i’m fine
while i’m dead inside,
barely feeling
like i have
enough words to write,
they always say
“you’re exactly where
you’re supposed to be.”
so where i’m
supposed to be
is sad and lonely?
really?
the GPS must be malfunctioning,
because how’d i get
so existential on the ride?
smiling and dying
at the same damn time,
am i really living
or am i just alive?
the days feel long,
but they’re gone in an instant,
january took forever
but how it’s already february?
and i just wanna feel
like i’m worth it,
a young man burdened
by his glorious purpose,
i barely even know
what it is
because i’m just trying
to live,
i’m scared i’ll lose it all,
but at least then,
i’ll have nothing to lose,
been at the bottom
so long
that i’ve even got a bed
down here.
take a step out
for a minute,
time spent with my friends
that i already miss
while i’m still in it,
every ride home
brings the same melancholy,
when the night’s over
and i’m all alone,
back at the house
with only my thoughts,
“goodnight, peoples,
i’m definitely not thinking
about death anymore.”
just fixating.
what a life.
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