6. back to you

i shouldn’t be
doing this now.
i keep on telling
myself not to do
it, because i said
i wouldn’t, and it’s
not like you’re ever
going to read this,
but it just keeps on
popping back up in
my head, my mom
keeps on asking if
i’ve seen you lately,
i lie and tell her that
i haven’t, but dammit,
every day i wish i never
said your name to her.

she asks me about you
as if you two have met,
and it hurts that it gets
brought up so much now,
because i wish things had
gone differently, i wish that
cooler heads prevailed and
there wasn’t so much anger.
it’s all been blown up so much
that now it’s affecting others
around us, there’s someone i
struggle to talk to and i say
that i’m fine, but she’s been
seeing how distanced i am.

how did we even get here?
was it something i said or
did? was it something you
said or did? did you just get
tired of dealing with me? eh,
i guess i wouldn’t blame you,
i get tired of dealing with me,
too, and i wish for so much:
i wish i could do better and
be stronger through all this,
i wish i didn’t keep writing
this when i said i wouldn’t,
i wish in some way that we
could fix the mistakes and
be friends, and i wish that
the tension would go away,
but, i mean, life doesn’t give
many happy endings these
days, so i guess this is how
i’m gonna be living for now.

happy belated birthday, by the way.
didn’t forget, just never got to say it.