10. 2019

and now, look
where i’m at.

four years later, i’ve
lost much of what i
had back then, and
i can’t bring myself
to believe that i have
my life under control.
there’s no way for me
to mellow out, either,
because everyday i
think about how i’m
not doing enough to
help be there for my
friends, and i tend to
think of how much of
a failure i am, soon to
be 21, got no job and
i waste all of my days
writing poetry no one
will ever care to read.

never thought about love,
but here i am stuck in this
one-sided crush with her,
the one i had a chance to
be with over a year ago, i
blew my shot because i’m
a dumbass and i bet that
she wouldn’t care if i fell
right off and died today.
i try to tell myself i’m fine
but more and more, i see
that i’m lying because i’m
hurting harder and harder.
so many people i could fall
for, but she won’t leave my
mind, and i know that isn’t
so ideal for my own health,
but i just can’t help it at all.

spent my whole life praying
to a God that i can’t speak
to anymore these days, i’d
ask Him to help my friends
but all He would do is hurt
them harder, then started
to do the same to me, just
couldn’t take that anymore.
i don’t regret the distance,
but i can’t help but think of
how cynical i’m becoming
as i enter into adulthood.

beyond paranoid, i just
can’t take my head off
the swivel, freaked out
that i’ll grow alone and
i’ll be forgotten, no one
to ever make an impact,
just that lazy, sad poet
that wrote far too much,
thought he’d be a king,
but could never take a
royal throne, the fear is
taking over, i want all of
the pain to go away, but
i live through it, i try to
hide it, but i just can’t.

i just feel worthless.