3. stay alive

trying to vibe

while my body

and mind

try to kill me,

summer’s upon us,

and once more,

i find myself

in a battle

to be alright

while my brain

does me no favors,

never a good swimmer,

but now i’m trying

to keep my head

above water.

no amount of medicine

makes it go away,

sometimes i wonder

if i have it in me

to fight through the pain,

will i ever be okay?

will i ever not feel

like i’m gonna faint?

will i one day be free

of vasovagal syncope?

will i ever have

some luck on my side?

will my being ever find

a sign of peace?

i gotta stay alive,

but is that something

i’ll get to decide?

so much i need to do,

will i have enough time?

desmond didn’t get

to see 30, will i?

how many more tears

will i have to cry

before i get to where

he was at 29?

suddenly, even 24

seems out of reach,

less than two months,

but it feels so far,

i’m trying so hard,

but i keep

hitting the wall,

how many more times

do i have to fall?

i never wanted this.