i have a complicated
history with love.
for years,
it was something
i couldn’t stop
thinking about.
i feel like most
of the poems
i once wrote
were about love,
and how hopeless
i was
in my devotion
to my crushes.
i had people
telling me
i really understood love
and described it well
despite never dating.
i guess it’s because
it was something
i always craved.
now i can’t
even let myself
have a crush.
too many times,
someone comes along
that might be the one,
but i have to suppress
any romantic feelings
i may have for them,
because the pain
comes back
all too fast
if i ever start
falling for them.
my friend always tells me
to give love a chance,
but it’d be so much easier
if not for trauma.
you know,
it’s kind of funny
how being manipulated
and silenced
and gaslit
was simultaneously
beautiful and heartbreaking.
it was the thing
that helped me grow
and appreciate myself more,
but also the thing
that made me
swear off romance
almost entirely.
i became more positive
and more cynical
all in one transaction.
sometimes,
i wish it was easier
to just fall headfirst
for someone
like i did long ago.
it was so easy
for me to know
what i wanted,
and to feel it
unabashedly,
but i guess
not everybody
has it that easy.
crazy how one person
can fuck with you
so much
that you can’t look
at a crush
without worrying
they’ll take advantage of you.
they probably don’t regret a thing, either.
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