5. the new piano man

i’m a walking contradiction,

one minute,

i’m the life of the party,

the next minute,

i’m outside in a panic,

i’m the new piano man

if i could only

brave the stage,

i’m a great singer

when it’s only me,

but all the confidence

leaves at the speakeasy,

yet they still praise me

when i sing out,

i wish i could feel it

when they tell me

it’ll be okay,

i know i’ll feel it

one day,

but this is the hardest

i’ve had to work

to be patient,

time moves fast

and slow

at the same time

as i pray

the silexan

works its magic,

and brings me

some peace.

everybody else’s

got it figured out

and then there’s me,

sometimes,

i feel comfortable

with who i am,

other times,

i grieve the person

that i once was,

and grief never leaves,

it just changes

into different forms,

all at once,

i’m glad i’m not

who i used to be,

yet i look at

what i’ve become

and i hate me enough

for the both of us,

and i try not

to live in it,

but how do you

recalibrate

a brain

that won’t let

the heart

have its way?

i’m sensitive,

feel everything

to the seventh power,

i’m a perfectionist,

stuck on feeling

like i’m falling short,

fixating on things

i wish i could ignore,

and begging to know

what it takes

to be normal,

every morning,

a new discovery

that’s all for naught,

finding dead ends

on the road to nowhere,

and just hoping

for a minute to breathe,

autistic burnout

still breaking me,

but i need

to get money

and pay these loans

before the cyst

on my neck

and the ear infection

gets me,

soon i’ll be happy,

but for now,

they’re in the mood

for a melody.

so let’s give ‘em a song.

4. someone loves me

it’s killing me softly

and it never goes away,

a fumble

i’ll think about

for the rest of my days,

everyone wonders

if i’m scared

of missing out,

but when you miss

your chance

with the ones

you’ve loved the most,

you’re never scared

to lose anything else,

in some ways,

i think i’ve grown,

but i’m still

the same kid

falling hopelessly

for ones i was never

meant to have,

every time

i think i’ve finally

put it in the past,

the scars i thought

had faded

are larger than i remembered.

still think about them

when a love song plays,

and my heart

still skips a beat

when i hear their names,

valentine’s day

feels empty

every time i think about it,

how many other timelines

are there

where i find the one

in the end?

and why is this

the one

where love is never

in my hands?

i’ve only ever been

the one

who helps others forget,

but my memory’s

so good

that i can’t stop

remembering all of them.

can’t live without them

but i sometimes wish

i never met them,

‘cause every time

i’m around them,

it all comes back to me,

and it feels like

it’s not healthy,

wanna give them

the best of me

but all they ever get

is the rest of me,

remain aloof

to try to prove

i’m okay without them,

let my shoulder

turn colder

instead of opening up,

i know that

someone loves me,

but it feels like

our connection

is just never meant to be.

i wish i could believe.

3. lone wolf

stuck inside,

my body

just won’t come alive,

head’s clear

but the fight-or-flight

takes to the sky,

simple hangouts

suddenly feel like chores,

and slowly,

i become avoidant,

a lone wolf,

it’s the only way

i achieve peace,

at least temporarily,

forget all the pressure

when i give myself

the chance to rest,

it’s the only place

i’m finding happiness,

even as i watch

time pass me by

and my best-laid plans

pass in the night

like a thief

on a tightrope.

it’s a big city

but a small world,

i’m a face in the crowd

of people

who’ll never need me,

a background character

in my own TV series,

retreating while the stars

barely see me,

i look up at them

with a wish,

but they’re crossed,

a reminder

of the chances i’ve lost,

fate never favored me

and now it’s taking me

to an abyss,

but i’d like to get

some words in

before it plays its tricks,

whoever she is

and wherever she’s at,

send a message to her

if she’s here to read it.

tell her that i loved her

before i even knew

that i loved her,

tell her that it was

always her,

even when i wasn’t ready

to admit it,

tell her that i’m sorry

that i never had the courage

to say it to her face,

that i wasn’t independent

or strong enough

to be the one she deserved,

tell her that i’m proud

of how she’s grown

into her best,

most confident self,

tell her that i hope

she always stays happy

and tell her that

no matter where i’m at

in her life,

i’ll always love her.

maybe one day,

she’ll love me too.

2. old friends

take me back

to wonka bar days

and “we belong together,”

back when everything

was simpler,

when the only love

we had

was for our favorite cartoons,

when confidence

was barely a thought

in our heads

because we were too young

to comprehend

the feeling of living

in them,

when we danced

like no one watched

and sang

like no one heard,

when even the rainiest days

were full of sunlight.

take me back

to KFC days

and “can’t feel my face,”

the hills had eyes

but they didn’t seem

so wide,

the sun was still bright

and there’s this girl

that i might like,

was it her

or the way

she played the guitar?

maybe it was never

meant to be,

but at least

i’d have a friend

to cheer for me

as i chased down

my college degree

and whatever else followed.

wish i could escape

these current days

where waking up

feels like pain,

where it’s tough

to trust

and i’m struggling

to escape the rut,

that friend i thought

i’d still have

left me quietly,

still think about her

all the time,

and i’ve weakened

as i’ve gotten older,

all the fire

has dimmed

as the confidence shrinks,

and i wonder

how i ever got

to this state

in the first place.

i miss my old friends.

1. nothing

walking on a bridge

to nowhere,

thought i’d never

go back,

but here i am

in the all-too-familiar

motel room

i call “dysthymia,”

almost thought

i was okay,

but now i’m here

on an extended stay,

made it to 27

yet the tears

still roll down my face,

falling back

into the recluse life

and losing

whatever confidence

i had left,

struggling to let myself

just calm down.

every solution

finds a problem,

every time i think

i’ve found some relief,

a new beast

comes and strikes me,

too indecisive

to just go with the flow,

never get the chance

to just be

because anxiety

always gets in the way,

i preach change

but i’m scared of it,

a new hole opens

every time

i think i’ve fixed something,

can’t get my heart rate

to slow down,

and i don’t know

what it’s gonna take now.

i’ve never felt

more alone

in my life,

it’s like nothing i do

is ever enough,

not for them

and definitely not

for myself,

because i keep tripping

over the same crack

in the sidewalk,

keep acting like

i’m okay

every time i stand up

with my face bloodied,

try not to shame

but i feel nothing else,

and i wish

i could go back

to my old self.

i wanna feel normal

for once.

the longest winter preface

*taps microphone* hello? is this thing on?

ah, why hello! it’s so great to see you! it’s been so long since we last talked, and it’s been almost a year since i last dropped a poetry project. life’s been so busy, and i’ve had other priorities, so poetry has been on the back burner for me. nevertheless, i finally have a new project for all of you, and it’s my milestone 10th mini-album (and my 55th project), “the longest winter.” originally, this started life as my 36th full-length album, “a walking contradiction,” and i'd hoped to release it late last year. however, as i was reaching the finish line for that record, it wasn’t coming together as i had hoped. still, i was proud of the individual poems i had completed for the record, so i scrapped what wasn’t working and re-worked the completed poems around a new theme. i’ve alluded to this but 2025 was the worst year of my life, and the winter felt like quite a rut for me. thankfully, i feel like i’ve made it out on the other end in a much better mindset, and i’m happy that i can now release these poems with a feeling of pride for the way i’ve grown since writing them. and i hope you all enjoy them, too. i know poetry may not be as much of a priority for me now as it has been, but i appreciate all of you who continue to listen as i tell the tale:

1. nothing

2. old friends

3. lone wolf

4. someone loves me

5. the new piano man

6. man of the year (bonus track)

microscopic

the worst year

of my life

finds new ways

to surprise,

with each day

that i rise

from my slumber,

my body tires

with no signs

of recovery

and i slowly realize

that i’m never

the one

that anyone needs,

party on

because they’re all

better off without me,

i’m easy to replace,

you don’t need me

to help you cut the cake,

i’m too busy

trying to figure out

how to make it

on my own,

but i can’t find comfort

in the place

i call “home,”

stuck in transition,

so much i owe,

what will tomorrow hold?

i don’t know.

yet my problems

feel so microscopic

in the grand scheme

of the world around me.

scared of whether

i’ll afford my house,

while the kids

in gaza

gotta pray

another bomb

doesn’t drop,

while i’m trying

to find a new job,

he had to say goodbye

to his mom

‘cause ICE

was on the lawn,

tryna send him home

even though this place

is the only one

that he’s known,

i’m just tryna live

on a planet

that they’re killing

by the minute,

and the government

doesn’t give a shit

but at least

we got some AI pics

to celebrate the dictatorship,

‘cause who needs water

when you got ‘em

putting the priority

on memes

over the american people?

nation in a crisis,

but they’ll still raise

all the prices,

inflation taking a grip,

human rights

being stripped,

say goodbye

in a SNAP

to any help

and healthcare benefits,

losing all the coral reefs,

people can’t afford

their groceries,

instabilities

in the workplace,

all these layoffs,

unemployment’s high,

some gotta work

two or three jobs

just to barely even

get by,

and the world wonders

why mental illness

is so prevalent

in society,

it’s a free-for-all

and we’re tired,

we’re just trying

to survive

while the ones in power

couldn’t give a shit

if we died tonight.

is this really how it’s meant to be?