3. this world hates you

the older i get and
the more i see, the
more i start to feel
like the collective
heart of the world
gets colder, like it’s
at a point of being
unchangeable, all
that positivity that
i used to spread is
worthless, and the
optimism i once had
fades with each and
every passing day.

sometimes i happen
to realize stuff that i
didn’t notice before,
like the one time that
i was shamed because
i didn’t want to live, at
14, i guess i didn’t take
the time to realize it but
i was put to shame and
i was invalidated on the
grounds that i had such
thoughts. i felt like i was
not allowed to feel down,
like i had to hide all of my
sad emotions behind the
mask of masculinity, and
that i wasn’t allowed to be
weak at that point in time.

that feeling of shame
reared its ugly head at
me once again just over
five years later, when i’d
quit my retail job. i felt like
my life had been threatened
when a customer who claimed
that he had a gun backed me
into a window, i still feel like it
gives me some ptsd, because
i’m honestly shaking and my
heart is racing right now as
i type these words out here.

what hurt just as bad was
how invalid my pain’s been,
since the boss never called
after i left, even though i was
told he would, also some that
i loved weren’t on my side and
thought the way i left was more
important than the fact that my
life could’ve been in danger, and
even now i’ve heard some tell me,
“eh, that’s happened to me before,
it happens in the workplace,” hence
why i remind others not to invalidate
another’s struggle just because you
have one you’ve been going through.

i guess i’m just seeing
proof that this world is
so unsympathetic, it just
doesn’t care about how
you’re feeling, it wants
you to get caught in its
trappings and play into
its demands, it works to
silence you, like i’ve been
for so often, never getting
a say and always being the
one pinned down and in the
wrong, i could scream it out,
but no one would listen to me.

if this is my only way, so be it.

2. pray for the young ones

in my reflection, i’ve
thought a lot about
the young ones, and
though i’ve made it
known that i’m not a
religious person, i’ve
felt the need to pray
for the young ones.
i’ve thought so much
about the position i’m
in, and how it relates
to so many others that
i know, and i can’t help
but pray for their safety.

this year, the last class
i shared the high school
floor with graduated, so
all my former high school
classmates are entering
into adulthood, and even
if i’m not in direct contact
with a lot of them, i pray
they find their happiness
and comfort sooner than
i did, and i hope that life
treats them a little more
positively in their move
to college and beyond.

even more than those guys,
i look and realize i’m now a
senior at an art college, and
as i start taking my last steps
away from the college life, i’m
praying for the ones that are
just walking into it, i hope that
freshman year is more special
to them than it was to me, and
as i enter the real world of art,
i pray for the young artists that
are below me, and i’m hoping
that the teachers who critique
them don’t break their mental
health like that one did to me.

still haven’t gotten over it.

i guess i’m not used to
this feeling of seniority
in my adult years, and
maybe i’m not used to
the pace life is moving
at, because my senior
year of high school still
feels like just yesterday,
yet here i am, realizing
i’m heading to the big,
bad, scary world soon.
the best thing i can do
is hope those below me
don’t have to fear like i
have for the past years.

i’m praying for them.

1. point of no return

lately, i’ve been taking
a lot of time to reflect
on all of this, and that
probably isn’t surprising,
we writers often tend to
be very reflective, but
i’ve had a lot of time to
look at all of my work,
and it turns out that i’m
at the point of no return.
25 albums in, this is the
life i’ve made for myself,
to think of how much my
life’s been flipped around
over the last two years.

back then, it was just
about letting out the
thoughts that no one
got to hear, the fears
that no one thought i
had because i was a
happy, positive guy,
but now, this is my
livelihood, it’s more
than just thoughts
written out, it’s my
art, my expression,
it’s the place for me
to be unabashedly
me, it’s the outlet
that’s saved me
just as much as
it’s changed me.

i’ve written of myself
in a way that i could
never have imagined,
i’ve brought all of my
worst fears, left all of
my biggest beefs, and
laid my baggage out on
a plate for everyone to
see, and i could never
take away a moment of
it, i’m in this until i take
my last breath, through
all the lost friends and
dark times i’ve lived in
and written, there’s no
going back on it, guess
it’s time to embrace it.

no turning back now.

work in progress preface

it took me some time to get here, but finally, my 25th album (and 30th project) is ready to go. i decided to call it "work in progress." i had to cancel an album to get to this one, but some of the concepts for that planned album did end up here. it felt good to get a lot of this off my chest, and i hope you guys enjoy reading it!:

1. point of no return

2. pray for the young ones

3. this world hates you

4. winning sucks

5. we fucked up

6. back to you

7. how are you?

8. not bad enough

9. i'm scared

10. work in progress

the old me

everybody wants
to go back in time,
relive some magic
part of their life, but
i’d wanna go back to
chat with somebody,
a guy i used to know
but now the image is
fuzzy, i wish i could
go talk to the old me,
before he gets tainted
by the anxiety, wish i
could give him some
advice no one ever
put out, teach him
right before stigma
starts coming about.

i’d like to tell him “yeah,
you’re different, but that’s
perfect on you, they’ll peak
in middle and high school,
don’t mind those fools,”
and i’d tell him not to use
an insult like “gay,” ‘cause
one day, he may say, he’d
take a boy on a date, and
i’d advise him who to steer
clear of and who to trust,
so no one tries to leave my
boy out in the dust, i’d tell
him “people may not care,
don’t fret, because i know
that you’ll end up the best.”

i’d save him from the mess,
tell him to think less, and i’d
foster him so he could feel a
sense of success, and maybe
then he might find that bit of
confidence, couldn’t grasp it
by myself but he would know
the rest, he might laugh at me
if i said he would write one day,
i’d tell him, “boy, trust me, i’ll
be right one day,” that bright
and carefree smile wouldn’t
escape from his face, i wish
i could see him in that state.

i miss the old me.

the story of love

got a story i’m gonna
tell about a guy with
thoughts of love, he
could’ve sworn that
he swore it off, but
the feeling’s been
bubbling up, stuck
on his mind, sitting
duck, but now he’s
here blocking the
box because he’s
got so many on his
mind, feelings that
aren’t reserved for
one, he’s struggling
between quite a few.

there’s the one he’s
having trouble letting
go of, no matter how
hard he tries, placed
so much of his worth
into that one, while he
doesn’t anymore, the
regret for how things
turned out sticks in
his mind, wishes he
could make it right,
even though she’d
like to never speak
with him ever again.

then there’s one who
has the beauty of a
model, with a smile
so perfect it could
light up the world,
they support each
other subtly but he
feels like he’d never
stand a chance, one
so lovely deserves a
lover with confidence,
a quality he’s feeling
he doesn’t possess.

and there’s one whose
personality he just can’t
get enough of, so many
laughs they’ve shared
in so short a time, but
he’s afraid to judge so
soon, especially after
heartbreak loomed so
often before, thoughts
of falling in love scare
him so, he chooses to
remain in seclusion as
the pain could be too
much for him to take.

they always say to
follow your heart,
but how can he go
with it when there’s
the fork in the road?
what’s the approach?
can’t decide if he will
take a leap of faith or
run away, stay in the
solo lane, escape the
hurting that fuels the
anxiety he faces and
hope it doesn’t make
him heartless, turning
away from those that
he cares the most for.
but it’s always eating
at him, he just isn’t cut
out enough to be loved.

and it sucks.

status update

can’t even begin to
describe it, it’s true,
realizing it more and
more, i’m at a point
in my life quite a few
couldn’t get to before,
year number four and
it’s coming at me fast,
time moves in a flash,
i keep pushing forward
and i’m just trying to
keep my head on me.

but i still can’t tell
where i’m headed,
i’m going in every
different direction.
just as confident as
i am nervous, just as
happy as i am sad, a
beautiful mess, elated
and then deflated, i’m
making the best of it,
just can’t tell right now
if i’m great at it, guess
i’ve gotta just stay at it.

hurts that lately, i’ve
been thinking of you,
and i know that i said
i wouldn’t write about
that but fuck this, i’m
back on my bullshit,
started to wish that
pettiness didn’t get
in the way and i want
this to go right back to
what it was before, not
just for you but for those
around, distanced myself
from some surrounding us,
wish things would work out.

guess i felt i should show
what my headspace is like,
give a quick diary entry, not
hold this inside, number 25,
i try and i try, it’ll take a while
to get it right, but my sights
are set on it, i’ll get on it, i’m
planning it, not panicking, so
bear with the slow news weeks,
but don’t look too deep in, you
might have an idea what it’ll be
if you look back in the capsule.

don’t go too far.