3. 2003

first days in that
magical school
of kindergarten,
wonder if i cried
before i walked
through the door.
least the teacher,
sunny as can be,
made us happy
to be in, and the
days were nice.

karate weighed me
down, but hey, at
least thursday was
reserved for pizza.
the fast food days
felt more special
than they do now,
like a holiday after
a week of learning.
mama took us out
blasting her shania,
singing in the car, i
almost felt like i was
at a massive concert.

moviegoing wasn’t as
frequent as before, and
the video games weren’t
all the rage, but we liked
hitting the arcade at the
mall, too bad it’s all gone.
sitting in the pile with kb
and blockbuster as relics
of a time when happiness
was a new toy you really
wanted to play with, and
sadness only came when
your favorite movie just
wasn’t in stock to rent.

the mall was different then.

2. 2002

pre-school days
like the rugrats,
i liked to think i
was like chuckie,
since i’d always
be afraid, even
my own shadow
made me jump.
funny how little
has changed up.
stuffed animals
kept me company
after a late night
with jimmy jimmy
at the candy bar.

spent everyday with
my toy story 2 and
monsters, inc. vhs’s,
and mama took us
driving, she played
her whitney cd and
i thought that i could
one day be a singer,
or maybe an actor.
listen to those lies,
really thought i’d
have the talent to
even succeed at it.
wonder what young
me would think if he
saw himself at twenty.

he’d probably like the
new video games, but
i wish i could go back
to play what he missed.
swindle with sly cooper,
soak up some sunshine
with mario on the island,
and maybe try to finish
that spider-man game
thirteen years earlier.
he never did pay much
attention to his games
after the very first level.

easily distracted, just like now.

1. 1998

welcome to the world,
it was quite a journey.
but you’re here, and
you’ve got your life
ahead of you, don’t
feel so intimidated.
july 7th, while you
just came to earth,
the power rangers
just flew to space.
but don’t you worry,
they’ll come back.
a dangerous world,
they’ll save it, right?

your first christmas,
celebrate it with your
new friends, blossom
bubbles and buttercup.
maybe if the noisiness
of the theater isn’t too
much for you to take,
mama will bring you
to the mini ant colony
pixar lovingly created,
flik and all his friends
stopped hopper, good
thing, too, since it turns
out he’s a sex offender.

you can’t play the
playstation yet, but
soon enough, you’ll
have your chance to
take that controller
away from your bro.
little do you know a
purple dragon was
born beside you, he
will mean more than
you may yet realize.
until you learn, go
listen to goo goo,
let them know who
you are, even if they
don’t want to see you.

welcome to the world, kid.

coming of age preface

kept everyone waiting a while for this one, but my 23rd poetry album is called “coming of age.” i had wanted to write an album with the theme of nostalgia and growing up to it, and this is what it became. i’m really proud of it and i hope you guys love it as much as i do:

1. 1998

2. 2002

3. 2003

4. 2006

5. 2008

6. 2009

7. 2010

8. 2013

9. 2015

10. 2019

i'm shit

tired of pretending that
i’m happy with the way
life is going, tell you the
only thing i’m king of is
telling the world i’m fine
when i’m really not, but
look at all the faces who
couldn’t give a shit if i’m
good or bad, and i think
they’ll only care when i’m
dead, i’ll get the success
i’ve been shooting for as
soon as i hit the floor, six
feet under the ground and
now the poems will blow up,
roses while i’m here? nope,
i don’t deserve any of them.

all i ever do is scream
about my sadness to
some people who just
don’t want to listen, i’m
sorry i’m a bother, wish
i wasn’t so annoying and
codependent, i’m just too
desperate to find approval
because i don’t like myself
enough to do it, not a good
influence, and as much as i
try to make others happy, i’ll
never be enough for them all.

the digital age creates
our expectations, i see
what everyone’s doing
and i wanna be them,
they’re so happy, life’s
treating them well, but
here i am falling in the
same hole as before, a
lonely, sad, unfortunate
soul that’s not worth the
same as the others, so i
guess this is the way i’m
coming of age, the guy in
the background that won’t
be special or remembered
and will be better off when
he leaves everyone alone,
stops pretending he’s not
disappointing to the ones
he holds in a high regard,
just shut up, matt, no one
wants to listen to you talk.

i’m shit.

i'm fine

so many times, i’ve
tried to hide behind
a smile and tell them
“i’m fine,” wanted to
tell myself it’s great,
especially when she
had left, i wanted to
feel like i was strong,
good without her but
i never meant it, had
to conceal my fear if
i ever saw her around.

they always say that
you have to be strong,
brave and unafraid but
i’ve never felt that way,
maybe that’s why i’ve
pushed so many away,
because i wasn’t strong
enough to be with them
and all i’d ever do is fall.
too sensitive to handle it,
i overthink everything and
i blow it every single time.

guess this is the life.
just sit back and try
to tell them all that
i feel alright, even if
the pain is killing me
inside, because it’s
been decided that
my only way to find
success is if i hide
the hurting and just
pretend that it’ll all
turn out perfectly.

so yeah, i’m fine.

disappear

used to have days
where i wanted to
disappear, run from
everyone and leave
my life behind, see
if anyone would be
sad if i walked out.
even thought that
the only way for my
work to hit would be
to drop dead, and i
thankfully got over
that, but it sucks to
see that others can’t.

some are quiet, and
never telling anyone
about the pain, they
hide it behind a smile,
and it’s a shame that
the happiest ones are
hurting so bad on the
inside, takes so much
to fight through it but
no one went to check,
were they doing okay?
couldn’t see but it was
certainly there, now the
light is permanently out.

some people scream
but no one hears them.
the words echo far but
there’s no answer, and
so they suffer despite
all the signs that get
ignored, the world will
chew up and spit out
without a worry about
if you’re feeling fine or
if the pain makes you
want to take your life.

shame that the earth
won’t care unless you
take it down to that line.
“rewarded in the afterlife”
only means that you can’t
have your flowers while you
are still here to smell them.
all we want is to be happy
and to feel like we matter,
and we can’t have it until
we’re six feet in the dirt?

fuck that shit.