all in the mind preface

okay, so for some reason, my fifth album "all in the mind" got messed up in the order on my blogger page, so i'm gonna repost all the old poems in order. know that this was released in march, and it came after "i'm still me" and before the "empty EP":

1. i'm back

2. deceit

3. strange places

4. this is a poem about life and death and the battles people go through on a daily basis

5. thinking

6. interlude

7. 2%

8. recharge

9. headspace

10. the end

reflection

have you ever felt
simultaneously loved
and alone all at once?
do you ever feel like
people are there for you
when you need them to be,
but not when you want them to be?

they have your back
when its necessary,
like when you lose someone
you loved so dearly,
but when you really want them
to come around, they don’t.
and maybe it’s because
their lives are more important,
and it’s nothing you can control,
but it’s still gotta hurt, right?

it’s talked about all the time,
feeling like you’re all alone
in a crowd of faces,
and you kinda wish that
you can pick when you’re not alone,
and choose when to have
others join in on the fun,
but they’re on their own way,
carving their own path,
and you just can’t control that.

so i write these words
in an awkward state,
one of pride and dread,
a pleasant unease,
a victory wrapped in defeat,
where do i go from here?
will the status quo
be good enough,
is a shake-up necessary,
or do i just need
to take a break?

i can’t decide

12. i hope (you will)

i hope
you keep
getting excited
for the future.
i hope
you keep yourself
motivated and prepared
to do whatever
you set your mind to.
i hope
you remind yourself
to be happy
and make sure
to keep those around you
just as excited.
i hope
you never have to worry
about losing it all.
i hope
your greatest wish
arrives at your doorstep.
i hope
you become
your own biggest fan,
and always
remain confident
in everything you do.
i hope
you prove
all of your doubters wrong
and make the world
your oyster,
push yourself further
than you’ve ever pushed before,
make things that are beautiful,
find someone that you
can love forever,
and live the happiest
possible life
that you can live.

and i say i hope,
but i know that
you will.

you will
make the future exciting
not just for you,
but for the friends
that are always there for you.
you will
keep spreading
the love and positivity
that we need more of
in the world today.
you will
find true love
and live a beautiful life
with them.
you will
light the biggest fire
under your ass
and never let
that fucker burn out.
you will
keep pushing yourself
to always get better,
to always improve,
to be the best you can be,
to never let life
stop you from
being passionate and excited,
to create beauty,
be it in your work
or otherwise,
and to never let anyone
stop you from being
who you really are
and who you want to be.

you will succeed.

i promise.

11. i'm still me

i’ve been hardened
over time,
pretty sure we
all have.
it’s all in the head,
and it’s different
from before.
my mentality,
my mindset,
my attitude
has been changed
and as i’ve said,
hardened.

he hardened me
when he didn’t
call to ask
if i was alright
after the cops came in
and a man with a gun
made me feel unsafe
in the place
that he manages.
and even after
four months and counting,
we still haven’t spoken,
never not once.

she hardened me
when she told me
not to put my face
on a camera
for the sake of
“visual interest”
and showed me how
self-centered and arrogant
the industry could be
when you get that
super big nomination
that gives you
all the willpower
to say as you please.

and you hardened me
when you told me
you’d “love forever”
and that we’d
“never lose contact”
before you conspicuously
stopped talking to me
with no rhyme or reason
if i’d done anything wrong.
you said you’d always be there
to make me laugh and happy,
but it’s been two years
since you dipped,
and it still kinda hurts,
losing a close friend…

but i’m still me.

a little harder
and more of a cynic,
but i’m still the same,
spreading the love
and positivity to those
that are part of my life,
and to all the people
that worked to harden me,
thank you,
because you made me better,
and while i’m not sure your motives,
i respect you all,
and now i’m at peace,
and i wish nothing but the best
as you move forward in life.

i may have changed
just a little bit,
but i’m still me.

10. famous

i gotta say,
i’m glad

i’m not famous

right now.
everyone used to say
“i wanna do this,
i wanna do that,
i want the cameras
following me,
i want the world
to know me,”
and i may have
thought that before,
but i’m glad
i’m not thinking like that.

if i was famous,
i wouldn’t be able
to go to the bathroom
without a camera staring
at me.
if i was famous,
i’d have spray-tan
tweeting about me
at three in the morning
because disagreeing
with him is
“WRONG!”
if i was famous,
my friends would
feel uncomfortable
because they’d be
getting followed like me.
if i was famous,
i wouldn’t even HAVE time
for my friends.

there’s more to life
than just having
a wikipedia page
and being all over
the news.
life is chill
as it is right now,
so i’m not quite ready
to change everything
and be that big.

not that it wouldn’t be nice, though…

9. uncertainty

you just never know
what could happen tomorrow.
how much different
your life is gonna be
in just a short time.
and i felt that,
in more ways than one.

december,

i wrote
an album in one day,
and i didn’t think
it would happen,
but the day
i wasn’t ready for
came crashing in
all too fast.
there’s been a void since,
that last day
laying in bed cuddling
with you one last time
still hurts me now,
because i see your picture
and i want to hold you
once more.

and as i write
these words on this page,
i didn’t think writing
was what i would do
for the rest of my life.
i thought i’d be
running around with a camera,
but when you peak
behind the curtain,
there’s some things
you just don’t want,
and it’s better to focus
on your needs.

i didn’t think
some of my best friends
would come into my life
this quickly.
i wasn’t sure
i’d make such close bonds
in a one-month span.
funny how
time changes
so quickly.
you don’t know
where things will be tomorrow,
so enjoy life now,
and as lewis always says…

keep moving forward

8. knee-deep

4:44 in the morning,
i lay and imagine
all the beautiful things
we could do together.

netflix and chill
doesn’t have to be
what everyone thinks:
there’s plenty of disney films
on there, ya know.
or maybe we can
relax on the couch,
fire up the playstation,
and let kingdom hearts
sweep us in,
you’ll be the kairi
to my sora.

or maybe you can
show me your
artwork,
and teach me your process.
i can bring you to
my keyboard downstairs,
i’ll play some chords,
and we’ll sing
the night away,
sweet songs about love,
and happiness,
and being together.

man, i’m so sentimental,
hopelessly knee-deep,
just waiting forever,
scared out of my mind.
you’re too sweet,
what do i have
to be scared of?

well, myself actually.
what if i mess up?
what if i say
the wrong thing?
what if i come on
too strong?
what if i end up
too cheesy?
what if you
end up
liking someone else?

it’s a vicious cycle,
longing for just
one person.
took 19 years
for me to even
think about such a thing,
guess all i can do
is just wait;
it could take 353 days,
maybe more, maybe less,
you can never tell
how long “soon” is,

but i’ll keep waiting.