look at me preface

i have a new album. i hope you like it:

1. why am i here?

2. money is power

3. love is infinite

4. 18 is strange

5. this is an interlude

6. feelings are fickle

7. the world scares me

8. i like attention

9. memes are art

10. i miss you

my fans

i love having fans.

it makes me feel
warm inside when
i see just how many
people are fans of
the poems i write.

i love waking up to
messages and words
of extreme kindness
from all of my fans.

having fans helps
me to keep writing.

i wouldn’t be writing
if not for my big fans.

i only write for my fans.

fans are more
important to me
than the poems.

sometimes i feel
like i don’t have
fans of my work.

i hate living when
i feel like i don’t
really have fans.

not having fans
makes me wanna
stop releasing my
poetry to the world.

i live a lonely life
because i don’t
have any fans.

i’d love my fans if
i actually had some.

i don’t have fans.

10. ultimatum

so, i always feel like
these albums should
have an ultimatum, or
something to finish off
on a stronger note, but
i really don’t know how
i’m gonna do that here.

i’ve already changed this a few times.

part of me doesn’t even
really know what to call
this album, i’ve gone and
retitled it several times.
“naked?” “i’m broken?”
“i’m hurt?” just “broken?”
feels like it just doesn’t
come through as easily.

and what’s the message here?

stuff hurts, my heart’s broken,
life really hates me, and it likes
to make me feel like i’m shitty?

woof, wholesome content here.

i guess all i can do
is sit back and hope
2019 is kinder to me
than 2018 was, right?
maybe there won’t be
as much heartbreak,
positive thinking won’t
just feel like an attempt
to not break down, and
it might yield the results
that i’ve been looking for.
maybe i’ll get out more,
make better memories,
and just end up happier.

tough to say, i know,
but i just hope that
this year brings me
a bit of peace and a
little bit less anger.
whatever the result,
i at least hope that
my friends stick by,
help when i’m down,
and keep supporting
and reading my work.

that sounds nice. i like that.

9. suicide

i’ve never really thought
about committing suicide -
or at least not since 2012 -
because not many people
know this about me, but
i have death anxiety, so
when i think about how
we all die one day, i get
shaky and my heart just
starts racing really fast.

death is something
that scares me a lot,
and i know for sure
that i don’t want to
die or take my life,
but i do ask myself
how life would be if
i did end up dying.
i know that people
would be pretty sad,
and i don’t think that
life would just move on,
but i tend to wonder how
much it would affect others.

would my poems somehow
go viral and get lots of views?
would there be some plaque
at an old school of mine that
honored my life in some way?
would some money-hungry
executive find out about this
poetry blog and try to make
money off of what i wrote
for free, just out of passion?
hell, i have a poem or two that
i never released to the public.
would the exec scrounge on
my phone or laptop, and find
some way to release that stuff?

i guess you never
find out about it,
because you just
never know where
you end up when
you leave this all.
i just kinda hope
that i will end up
remembered on
this earth when
i have to leave.

hopefully it’s not soon.

8. anxiety

i hear some people
tell me about how
i’m so “open” with
my anxiety and my
negative feelings.
i think i even heard
one or two people
call me “brave” for
talking about this.
i appreciate it, but,
i never saw it as me
being “brave,” i just
saw it as me being
honest about myself.

i feel like people just
like to put on a face,
and they like to act
like something they
aren’t, but i feel like
i have nothing to gain
from lying to others,
so i’d rather just say
how i feel, even when
i’m not super happy or
trying to be so positive.
like, lately, my mood’s
been really shitty, to
the point where i just
need one of those big,
minute-long hugs from
someone i care about.

but i’m not gonna go
smile on my socials
and act like life is all
perfect and happy,
because it’s just not.
and it’s not like i want
people to be worried
about me or anything,
i just want them to see
how i’m really feeling.
good or bad, doesn’t
really matter to me,
i want it to be real.

that’s all.

7. appropriation

you know what i
think about every
once in a while?
appropriation.
it gets talked up
in the art world,
and it’s a topic
i question with
all of my poems.

see, here’s the thing:
i’m a poet, yes, but
i never really read
or studied poetry
before i started to
write out my own.
i always respected
edgar allan poe, and
maya angelou as well,
and i recently came to
admire sylvia plath, but
i don’t really read it much
during my own spare time.

and i think about this
idea of appropriation,
because i’m a poet and,
having not really studied
or learned about poetry
from a historical or, say,
cultural standpoint, i ask
if i’m appropriating at all.

most of my inspiration
comes from music, and
the music world is in a
funny time, where we
have new rappers that
come in and make music
without studying or even
thinking about the culture
or the original creatives,
they just get bored and
go where the money is.

it’s looked down on there
in the music world, but do
the same principles apply
to me, writing my poems?

i’m scared to find out.

6. her

you know, the other day,
i was thinking about her.
and i know it’s not, like,
healthy because she’s
off being happy with
somebody better, but
i miss what we were.
i miss talking to her,
seeing her around,
hearing her voice,
feeling like she did
care about me, and
it was hard to get it
out of my brain, too.

i wanted to pray that
everything would be
happy, and that God
would make it better,
but i remembered that
He and I no longer talk,
so prayer would just be
a pointless endeavor.

hey, if i were Him,
i wouldn’t wanna
talk to me, either.

anyway, i was just
thinking about her
because i had to
ask a question…
have you ever had
that one thing in life
that you just regret,
all the time? yeah,
that’s me with her.

i had the perfect
opportunity, but
i said “no” to her,
and i regret that
every. damn. day.
of my life. always.
not a single day
goes by where i
don’t ask myself,
“why didn’t i just
say ‘yes’ to her?”

and then i made it
worse by just being
my own, usual self -
which i think is toxic,
even though others
probably disagree -
and now i bet you
she doesn’t even
want to talk to me.
i could probably just
vanish from her life,
and she would shrug
and keep on moving.

it’s probably bad that
i keep thinking about
all of that, but i can’t
stop myself sometimes.
certain wounds don’t
heal as fast as others.
and this happens to be
one that won’t go away.
it really sucks, but i guess
that’s just life for ya, huh?

i just hope she’s happy.