9. suicide

i’ve never really thought
about committing suicide -
or at least not since 2012 -
because not many people
know this about me, but
i have death anxiety, so
when i think about how
we all die one day, i get
shaky and my heart just
starts racing really fast.

death is something
that scares me a lot,
and i know for sure
that i don’t want to
die or take my life,
but i do ask myself
how life would be if
i did end up dying.
i know that people
would be pretty sad,
and i don’t think that
life would just move on,
but i tend to wonder how
much it would affect others.

would my poems somehow
go viral and get lots of views?
would there be some plaque
at an old school of mine that
honored my life in some way?
would some money-hungry
executive find out about this
poetry blog and try to make
money off of what i wrote
for free, just out of passion?
hell, i have a poem or two that
i never released to the public.
would the exec scrounge on
my phone or laptop, and find
some way to release that stuff?

i guess you never
find out about it,
because you just
never know where
you end up when
you leave this all.
i just kinda hope
that i will end up
remembered on
this earth when
i have to leave.

hopefully it’s not soon.