4. holiday

gotta say, christmas
doesn’t really get me
too excited anymore.
maybe it’s something
where my anxiety is
higher when it’s cold
or something, but it’s
starting to feel like it’s
just another day now.

that’s kind of the deal
with all holidays now.
it almost feels like i
can’t get hyped for
any number of them.
each one just feels
like a regular day.
there’s nothing too
special or exciting,
it’s just another time
to pretend everything
is perfectly fine, and
it’s an opportunity to
hide all your sadness
behind fake smiles, to
pretend you’re in this
holly-jolly spirit, but
really, it’s a facade.

and i think christmas
is harder for me to feel
extremely excited about.
nowadays, material gifts
don’t do a whole lot when
there are bigger things i
wish were easier to get.
or maybe it’s because
christmas is supposed
to be a celebration of
the birth of Christ, but
since we don’t talk, the
faithful part of the day
feels lost on me now.
or maybe it’s because
my best buddy passed
around this time, and i
can only think of him
when this time comes.

i’m not sure, but
i can’t say that i’m
really too excited
on december 25th,
or any big, national
holiday these days.
the only time i can
celebrate is if i just
somehow go a day
without any anxiety.
and that just doesn’t
happen ever, does it?

holidays don’t like me.