5. crying

sometimes, i think about
how i can’t really cry, and
i tend to wonder if my own
anxiety attacks can just be
stopped if i could cry more.

i know, it sounds
really weird that i
say i “can’t cry,”
but honestly, my
tear ducts just
don’t let me cry
or something.
i tend to just sit,
wallowing in my
anxiety and i say,
“i wish that i could
cry right about now,
because that would
help me release my
emotions just a bit.”

but tears don’t
come out easily.
and i don’t have
a single clue why.
i tell you, though,
there are so many
days where i just
want them to flow,
i want to release
the emotions that
build inside of me,
and just let it out.

lately it just feels like
the world’s against me,
and i tend to just feel
like i’m not up to the
challenge of facing it,
so i sit and wish that
i could let this stress
flow out, but i can’t.
my body won’t let me
cry it out, and it hurts.
holding it in is painful,
but it’s all that i can do,
so i just sit here in pain
whenever i’m really sad.

i hate it.