silenced preface

we’ve made it. i’m so happy and relieved to have gotten to this point. i’m finally able to release my 30th full-length album (and my 40th project) “silenced.” this album was written over the course of the last six months, a time where i dealt with a heavy amount of mental distress and paranoia, hitting a gigantic low point around may. i spent most of my time by myself as well, feeling as though i didn’t have a voice and fighting with the frequent thoughts that my friends didn’t care about me. this album is the embodiment of all my emotions since february; pain, joy, anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, hopefulness, everything you can think of and more. it’s the culmination of everything i’ve done with my poetry in the last five years, ever since i first wrote “my dear” on september 15th, 2017. i left my entire heart in this project, and i’m so proud of this body of work. i hope it brings you the same level of comfort and healing that it brought me:

1. five years

2. be okay

3. stay alive

4. crunch

5. sometimes i wonder

6. learning experience

7. don’t test me

8. the warning

9. pain into production

10. alright

the warm up

30’s almost done

but i’m just getting started,

dog days, i’m warming up

but i’m still coldhearted,

came back for a bit

to talk my shit,

‘cause there’s people

tryna test me,

out to get me,

i didn’t wanna run it back

to disses or sublims,

but all the fake shit

made me wanna ill out,

they spit the support

right back into my face

so these words

are gonna spill out,

gotta get real now,

these people think

they’re hot shit

‘cause their tiktok

did a hundred thou,

get success,

then they forget

who had their backs

in the beginning,

petty bullshit,

they wanna turn

into enemies,

now every post

gotta be a shot

that they sending me,

pretentious,

put their opinions

on a pedestal,

act like it’s objective,

shit is incomprehensible,

possessive,

holding the key

to the gate

you’ve been keeping,

these people reaching,

keep impeding,

can’t give me a reason,

karma comes heavy

so be ready

if your shit flops,

could lose it all,

so humble yourself

before you drop,

shout to the ones

that hold me down,

my people for life,

we’re gonna win,

yeah, that’s it,

speak it in existence.

sacrifice

over a week

since my

vasovagal attack

and my brain

still hasn’t calmed down,

paranoia’s heightened

and my anxiety’s rising,

i’m in constant fear,

feeling so weak,

waiting for the moment

where i nearly faint

one more time,

maybe i’ll throw up

and the lump

in my throat

will be gone.

why did my triggers

have to be tattoos

and piercings?

oh no,

did i make it worse

by saying that

out loud?

will i get harassment?

my mind’s racing

way too fast,

and i can’t

take it easy,

too much time

with my head

between my knees,

trying to make sure

my heart keeps beating.

some people in life

are just lucky,

but i guess not me,

i got stuck

with the terrible health,

physical and mental,

and i’m scared

that any second,

i’ll take my last breath

without realizing.

i want to achieve my dreams,

but will life let me?

can’t stop feeling

like divine intervention

wants me to be

a sacrifice,

an example of someone

who couldn’t do

everything he hoped

because he couldn’t stay

as long as he wanted,

i wanna see my 30s,

i don’t wanna die,

but how much longer

do i have to fight?

i’ve done everything

to manifest

and treat myself right,

i try to give life

as much as i can,

but i don’t get it back,

i just get kicked

in the gut

so much,

so i never

catch a break,

and every time

a good thing happens,

25 bad things

are waiting behind.

it’s…it’s bullshit.

3. love is dead

i have a complicated

history with love.

for years,

it was something

i couldn’t stop

thinking about.

i feel like most

of the poems

i once wrote

were about love,

and how hopeless

i was

in my devotion

to my crushes.

i had people

telling me

i really understood love

and described it well

despite never dating.

i guess it’s because

it was something

i always craved.

now i can’t

even let myself

have a crush.

too many times,

someone comes along

that might be the one,

but i have to suppress

any romantic feelings

i may have for them,

because the pain

comes back

all too fast

if i ever start

falling for them.

my friend always tells me

to give love a chance,

but it’d be so much easier

if not for trauma.

you know,

it’s kind of funny

how being manipulated

and silenced

and gaslit

was simultaneously

beautiful and heartbreaking.

it was the thing

that helped me grow

and appreciate myself more,

but also the thing

that made me

swear off romance

almost entirely.

i became more positive

and more cynical

all in one transaction.

sometimes,

i wish it was easier

to just fall headfirst

for someone

like i did long ago.

it was so easy

for me to know

what i wanted,

and to feel it

unabashedly,

but i guess

not everybody

has it that easy.

crazy how one person

can fuck with you

so much

that you can’t look

at a crush

without worrying

they’ll take advantage of you.

they probably don’t regret a thing, either.

2. they hate me

my brain

is constantly saying

things i know

just aren’t right.

i say all the time

that it’s lying,

but i can’t stop wondering

if it’s telling the truth.

i shouldn’t even

be entertaining these thoughts,

but i can’t help myself.

i’m always hearing

my brain say

that my friends

secretly hate me,

that they don’t

actually care about me,

and i know it’s wrong,

i can show

clear examples,

i know they care,

they’re happy

i’m here,

i know that

i’m a good friend.

but what if i’m not?

what if i’m a means

to an end?

what if they don’t

really want me around?

what if i’m only important

when it benefits them?

i’ve seen all the tricks,

and yet,

i still fall for them,

i still get lost

thinking about

if i mean as much

to the people around me

as they mean to me.

i shouldn’t be here,

i shouldn’t think like that,

but i do,

and i can’t stop myself.

i’m too paranoid.

1. bleaker by the day

i constantly feel like

i’m searching

for a sign of life

in a world

that looks bleaker

by the day.

i spent half a year

feeling like

i was getting somewhere,

thinking i was

in a better place,

and now,

i’m right back

where i used to be.

i thought my minute

of peace

would last an hour,

but i guess

the powers that be

don’t offer overtime.

sometimes,

i feel like i’ve entered

that gen z phase

where i never expect

anything to get better,

and even though

i don’t want to think that,

it feels like the positives

have packed it in

and taken an early retirement,

so now i’m left

to face life without them.

sounds like fun, huh?

cutting room floor EP preface

welcome back, everybody. i always look forward to the times when we see each other. today, i’ve prepared a short set of new poems for you all that i call the “cutting room floor EP.” the title choice is apt: originally, these poems were set to be part of my 30th full-length album, one that was meant to be very straightforward, almost playing out like a simple conversation. however, i felt while writing them that they were just regurgitating points from my last project, but in a more direct way. i didn’t feel that deserved to be the direction of a milestone 30th album; it deserves to be special. thus, i shelved that concept, but i thought it would be wrong to throw these poems away completely, so i decided to toss them onto a short EP. i hope you all enjoy it. there’s plenty more to come from here. i’m currently in the process of writing several poems, and i hope to have them out soon. even with all the projects i’m working on, poetry will always be in my back pocket. after all…#30 has to come sooner or later:

1. bleaker by the day

2. they hate me

3. love is dead