6. a poem for the days when standing up feels hard

it kills me

every time

you say you’re not

good enough,

you’re so loved

and you deserve it all,

you’ve shared stories

with me

that few eyes get to read,

and i wish

there was an easy way

to say how much you mean,

not just to me,

but to so many.

fighting all the battles

you’ve been forced to face,

yet you’re still here today,

doing your best

to keep a smile

on your face,

even when life tries

to erase it,

you’ve got the kind of strength

i wish i could have,

independent and smart

and unapologetically “you,”

and i wish you didn’t

have to deal with

as much as you do.

i just wanna wipe

that tear

from your eye,

help you hold your head

up high,

it’s a trying time,

but i want to do

what i can

to help you see

the light

on the other side of life.

you’ve been through so much

and the year’s just started,

you’re tired

because all these battles

have left you jaded,

i wish i could help you

take the weight off

that brain of yours,

carried it to the chest

out of fear

it would bother them,

but i promise

it’s not a burden.

rest your weary head

on my shoulder,

i’ll keep you safe,

the demons

won’t invade this space,

it’s been tough,

but there’ll be better days,

i’m here for you

the whole way,

and i’ll do all that i can

to make sure you’re okay.

5. it was a happy valentine’s day until this poem came along

the loner

that’s aching for companionship,

scared to commit

because of all the times

i’ve been scarred by it,

but it feels like life

lacks fulfillment

if you don’t have someone

to share it with,

and i’ve never

been close enough

to know what love is.

every time

i think i found a lover,

it’s star-crossed,

they’re never aligned

and it makes me wonder

if it’ll ever be my time.

valentine’s day

made its way here

so fast,

everyone’s falling in love

while i’m on the run,

anytime the feelings

start to bubble up,

i fizzle out,

too scared to face them

head on,

so i write poems

until they pass,

except they never do.

we’re born alone,

we die alone,

so we’re all looking

for a connection

while we’re here,

but my connection

got cut short,

someone snipped the cord

and no amount of solder

could put it back

to what it once was.

i’d barely stand a chance

anyway,

everyone would always say

you have to love yourself

to love someone else,

as if i could love

all the problems i’ve got,

love is a risk

and i’m stuck in my cocoon,

never to step out.

don’t even feel like

i can handle it,

already fold under pressure

and a relationship’s

the greatest deal of it,

wanna be a good partner

but would i be enough?

so much stress on myself,

a pathological people pleaser

like taylor,

and yeah…

i wouldn’t marry me either.

who would see anything in me anyway?

4. i’m not saying i’m spider-man but have you ever seen us in the same room?

they said they wanna see

what a tortured poet

really looks like,

i got a couple hundred

you can read

if you’re tryna see

my life,

take a step

outside your mind

to check out mine.

a twisted vision,

25

but a kid

on the inside,

out of place

with everyone in sight,

using these words

as a means to stay alive

because writing

is the only thing

he really does right.

the revolution

will not be televised,

like desmond said,

you’re just gonna feel it

so be advised,

knocked down

a hundred times

yet still

i rise

like maya,

the poetry king

as advertised,

live and in the flesh,

getting some rhymes off

to remind you

why his mind

is one of the greatest alive.

“they don’t build statues

of the critics,”

so good thing

i’m a poet, too,

a wizard with words

that might be

unheard,

but like HOV said,

i’ll keep showing up,

and i’ll get the trophies

i know i deserve.

emily was ahead

of her time,

so i guess i’ll be

ahead of mine,

everybody

will be writing

and they’ll be thanking me,

all the next-gen poets

i’ll be inspiring,

put me in

the hall of fame already,

mo’s the only one

to get in unanimously

but he’s about

to have some company.

no debate,

i’m the greatest

who’s ever done it

but i’m still not done yet,

i’d say i’m in my prime

but i got a prime

that’s lasting my whole life,

i’ll probably never peak

because i’ll just keep

topping

every last thing i write,

they might be

sleeping on me,

but they’ll see me,

one day,

it’ll be my name

on the marquee.

3. i had a different name planned but i was politely asked to censor it

december 25th,

the most special time,

can you hear

the music?

can you feel

the joy

in the air?

it’s christmas day,

hooray!

i’m still depressed.

bury myself

in my work

to distract me

from the war

my conscience is fighting in,

maybe a minute

to forget

all the existential shit,

soon as midnight hit,

i couldn’t feel the spirit,

what good is it

when a holiday

has nothing special to give?

childlike joy

from the presents

no longer exists,

and the meaning

of it all

gets lost

when God’s not home,

so what’s even left

in this?

spend the day

home alone like kevin,

made ‘em disappear,

but unlike the movies,

there’s no happy ending,

say that blood

is thicker than water

just to trick you

and bleed you dry,

and all you’re good for

in their eyes

is gossip and lies.

they try to paint me

as the bad guy

even when i’m in the right,

ignore all the signs

and try to find

anyone but themselves

to take the blame,

take advantage of you

in your lowest mental states.

i’m just tryna make it

to new year’s day,

none of them see

the way

i’m fighting,

i’m tryna survive,

but my line of sight

is like every answer

they give

because i can’t

get ‘em straight.

how was i

so blinded before?

what did i do

to push through

the abuse?

what made me

so starry eyed

and oblivious

to it all before?

how was the boy

so positive

in that environment?

sometimes i wish

i could go back in time

and ask that kid

for advice,

how’d you put up

with the guy?

i doubt he’d have

sounded wise,

though i’m sure

it’d be real nice.

but i gotta stay

in this current time

and let ‘em run

with their stories,

i’ll give ‘em

something to write about,

make me the villain

in your superhero movie,

just remember

that this life

is really knives out,

and a twist

can come

at any moment.

so keep writing those scripts.

we’ll see

who the real villain is

in the end.

2. is it narcissistic to use the term “self-effacing” to describe yourself?

i’ve been holding onto hope

for far too long,

keep telling myself

that it’ll have to get better,

something will change

and luck will return,

but it feels like each day,

there’s a new worst,

thought i’d reached the lowest point

but somehow,

i’ve buried the bar underground.

it never gets easier,

just a little less sad,

every day

is a new kinda bad,

i just wanna be

a better friend,

but i just keep finding ways

to mess it up again.

i’m sorry for the times

when i’m distant,

i just get busy

thinking

of all the reasons

why i don’t deserve you,

i didn’t wanna do it again,

but i’m back to feeling

like they all deserve better

than me.

that self-hate

is what sent me

to the worst place

in the first place,

i thought i could escape

but it always

finds a way

to drag me back in,

creating more harmful

ruminations

that i can’t erase,

do whatever it takes

but they won’t go away.

comparison

is the root of all evil,

but i can’t stop doing it,

they all got

these big plans

and ambitions,

while i’m nothing

but dreams and delusions.

and the tides of life

got me terrified,

got me scared

of ending up alone,

everyone wants

to find a new place

to call home,

but the city’s

the only home i know.

let me get out of my mind,

just for a bit,

i tell everyone else

that life is worth it,

i wish i felt that

about myself,

suffocated by my own

expectations

and i’m just trying

to reach them,

even though i can’t breathe,

guess i’ll keep

holding onto hope

that i find some relief.

i’m going home now.

1. i had the best night of my life last night until i woke up

another trip around the sun,

25 but who’s counting?

i’ve got everything

that i could ever want

outside of love,

success, comfort,

stability and sanity,

but i’ve got everything else!

wake up midday

to a feeling of dread,

but at least i’m feeling

anything at all,

still have to wait

to talk to a therapist,

but i struck up

a nice conversation

with the wall.

waste an hour

after my shower

while i ponder

all the troublesome thoughts,

then remind myself

how much the hobbies i loved

no longer bring me much.

it’s a quiet life

but it’s the life for me,

i’m like cassie

the way i’ve never ever

been happier,

we’re all just trying

to keep it together,

but like peter, i’m just

tryna do better,

and i’m failing miserably.

i say that i’m fine

while i’m dead inside,

barely feeling

like i have

enough words to write,

they always say

“you’re exactly where

you’re supposed to be.”

so where i’m

supposed to be

is sad and lonely?

really?

the GPS must be malfunctioning,

because how’d i get

so existential on the ride?

smiling and dying

at the same damn time,

am i really living

or am i just alive?

the days feel long,

but they’re gone in an instant,

january took forever

but how it’s already february?

and i just wanna feel

like i’m worth it,

a young man burdened

by his glorious purpose,

i barely even know

what it is

because i’m just trying

to live,

i’m scared i’ll lose it all,

but at least then,

i’ll have nothing to lose,

been at the bottom

so long

that i’ve even got a bed

down here.

take a step out

for a minute,

time spent with my friends

that i already miss

while i’m still in it,

every ride home

brings the same melancholy,

when the night’s over

and i’m all alone,

back at the house

with only my thoughts,

“goodnight, peoples,

i’m definitely not thinking

about death anymore.”

just fixating.

what a life.

be safe preface

it always warms my heart to see all of you still here. today, i bring you my 32nd poetry album, “be safe.” it’s amazing to me that i’ve gotten to write this many. this project came amid some very rough times in my personal life, as i’ve been trying to keep my head on straight while i wait to receive the help that i need (wow, that could’ve been a line on the album). in the meantime, i’ve found that writing can help heal through those tough times, so i thought i should do it, as writing is one of the only things i’m particularly good at. i also wanted to get a bit more creative with the formatting on this one, unleashing my raw feelings in a bit of a different way. i’m unbelievably proud of what i’ve made here, and i hope it brings comfort to anyone who may also be struggling. take care of yourselves, and as the title says, “be safe”:

1. i had the best night of my life last night until i woke up

2. is it narcissistic to use the term “self-effacing” to describe yourself?

3. i had a different name planned but i was politely asked to censor it

4. i’m not saying i’m spider-man but have you ever seen us in the same room?

5. it was a happy valentine’s day until this poem came along

6. a poem for the days when standing up feels hard

7. why do medications have side effects if they’re supposed to help you?

8. this is the closest i’ve gotten to putting my screenwriting degree to use

9. today was the longest month of my life

10. hug the people you love and care about a little tighter