1. walk the planks of elizabeth's rose

they say to keep

your chin up

but mine is on the floor,

every answer

that i find

ends up a lie,

and all the best versions

of myself

disappear just as quick

as when they came in,

chasing a stable life

but it won’t stay,

supposed to be

my best years

but i’ve let them

go to waste,

found my confidence

but why’d it have to come

five years too late?

and why,

when i see the number

on the scale,

do i struggle

not to fixate?

hard to focus

on what i have

when i’m mourning

a life

that i never had.

can’t even say

i fumbled the bag

because i never

got to hold it,

know they say

to cast a wide net,

but the only ones

that’d ever go for me

are the scammers on the net,

catfish tryna trap me

in their muddy waters,

everybody else

got someone

and they’re settling down,

steady starting

to grow the family tree,

while i wouldn’t even know

how to plant

my own seeds,

i’m not even enough

for me,

so how could i be

what anyone else needs?

maybe i should’ve gone

into a different field,

maybe i should’ve saved up,

maybe i should’ve quit

with the poetry shit

back when i fooled about it,

maybe i’ll drop that album

before frank drops his,

they couldn’t wait

for me to do it

this summer,

now they’re sittin’

ready for the fall,

maybe i should just run

from it all,

leave everything

and everyone behind,

dying for a little

peace of mind,

but it’s something

that i’ll never find.

too tired to live, too scared to die preface

my dear readers, hello. do you how do? if you’re reading this, i’m so happy to see you here and i’m sending you love as we reach the fall season. it’s been a bit since i last released a poetry mini-album, but i’ve prepared a new one for you that i call “too tired to live, too scared to die.” initially, i had hoped to release this on september 15th, as that marked the seventh anniversary of when i wrote my first poem “my dear,” but life has been a touch busy lately, thus the project has been sitting around completed for the last week or two. thankfully, it is ready to go, and i’m so glad it gets to be yours now. my last album “poems for the club” was an entirely fictional project, and with this one, i went for a more straightforward, personal record that didn’t quite have one tone or style; just an amalgamation of the complex feelings that go through my mind, both good and bad. it’s always gratifying to put out a new project, and i’m very proud of this one. i hope you all enjoy it, and i hope your autumn is off to a good start. as we speak, i’ve begun doing some light work on my next project; i hope to have it ready for you very soon:

1. walk the planks of elizabeth’s rose (shoutout to tony for the title)

2. real music’s gonna last

3. about last night

4. he is not your savior

5. this beautiful mess i’ve made

11. before your eyes (bonus track)

the days move slow

but life goes fast,

blink

and it’ll be gone

in an instant,

facing down

my ultimate fate

but as i reach

the gate,

i’m afraid

to say

what really happened,

try to make

an adventure

of some grand nature

out of my life,

but i’m caught

in the lie,

never got to live out

my dreams

because i spent

the days

just trying to survive.

i thought the sickness

wouldn’t stick

until i had to let

the IV drip,

taking medicine

that barely did

a thing,

and soon enough,

my time was up,

mama wanted a legacy

but i wasn’t

the piano prodigy

she hoped i’d be,

never got to live

the artist’s life,

or get old enough

to make chloe my wife,

you were my

first love,

and i gave it all up

just to be with you.

tried to repress

all the pain,

but as i greet

the gatekeeper,

i know i can’t,

it’s time to take

the weight off,

let go of regret

and tell how

it really went,

brought to my end

too quick,

but my love

lives on

in the ones around me,

it’s not much

of a life,

but i know

that i lived it,

wasn’t who i thought

i’d be,

but i was who

i needed to be,

and as i close my eyes

one last time,

i’m finally at peace.

benny.

10. your best friend

friday night,

and he’s coming by,

says he wants to

take you out

of the house,

seven years,

he’s been your best friend,

and it seems

to be

another typical night,

time on the town

and he finally takes you

to the restaurant

you both like,

you’ve hung out

about a million times

but it never

loses its touch,

even the most

mundane of days

replay so vividly

in your mind,

because you can never

regret a moment

with your best friend.

but you’re feeling

something different

this time,

look around

and see that sparks

are starting

to fly,

an hour ride

but you felt it

the whole way home,

he takes you inside

and you’re slow-dancing

in the living room,

it’s just a different vibe

when you look into

his eyes,

all the hardships

and stress

that you’ve faced

is flushed away,

the world stops

for a moment

as he pulls

you closer.

it’s clearer

than it’s ever been:

you are in love.

never managed

to find it before,

and always found it hard

to let yourself fall,

but all it took

was one night

to let it all out,

it’s a rush of emotions,

but he knows it

as well,

he comforts you

and all you can do

is smile,

because finally,

you’ve found the one,

he was there all along,

just as you were

for him,

and for the first time,

you’re both ready

to let love in.

let this night never end.

9. life of the party

packed to the nines

and i’m dying inside,

telling myself

that i should’ve

never came

to this tonight,

thought i could

shut the world out

for a few hours,

but i’m just retreating

back to my shell,

it’s loud

and i’m lost,

barely even hear

my own thoughts,

and all this noise

around me

got me ready

to take my leave,

quietly sneak

to the exit

and pretend

i was never here.

but right before

i can go,

you drop by

and get me

onto my feet,

“may i have this dance?”

take me

by the hand,

and suddenly,

i’m a new man,

everything else

is shut out

because i have

you around,

got me glad

i showed up

to this party

in the first place,

you made me

erase

all my inhibitions

and finally,

i can live

a little bit.

i’m in awe

of your confidence,

showing me a side

of you

i’ve never seen before,

the club

got you feeling

like yourself,

and i love

that you’re not afraid

to do it your way,

not afraid

of what anyone

would say,

let ‘em think

what they want,

judge how they must,

won’t stop you

from having your fun,

you’re the queen

of this party,

and for a moment,

i’m grateful

that you made me

the king.

what a night.

8. donuts for dinner

i hate him

so much

because i’m not

the one

in his shoes,

everything he does

comes so natural

and he had everyone

flocking to him,

a new girl

snuggled comfy

in his arm

every other day,

always seemed so strong

and sure of himself,

how could i contend

with someone

who had it all?

sweeter than eating

donuts for dinner,

and all i’d see

was everything

i couldn’t be.

i hate him

so much

because i want him

for myself,

every time

i saw her lay

a kiss on the cheek,

i ran off to cry,

had to hide it

every time

because for a man

to weep

was to be weak,

it seemed,

but how could i make

him love me?

barely have the nerve

to muster up

a “hello,”

a snowball’s chance

at best

he even acknowledges

that i exist.

i love him

so much

and he could never

be mine,

it’s clear

i’m not his type,

so maybe,

i should stop trying,

learn one day

to be a friend

at best,

a quick look

and he comes

with a greeting,

that charisma

has my heart bleeding,

but i try to keep

my cool,

then suddenly,

i feel his pull

as he leans in

and his lips

lock in,

the last thought

that crossed my mind

when he walked by,

but it’s true…

he loves me, too.

7. the boogeyman

i was burdened

by my sensitivity,

people never saw

how much i took to heart,

how lost i was

because all i thought of

was everyone else,

only found comfort

when i was sleeping,

even as loud

as my head was,

the dream world

was so peaceful,

laying in the river

as i float away,

even as i stare up

at the night sky,

yoko’s got it feeling

like a lazy afternoon,

as i spend another day

trying to get back up,

long time to recover

from the pain i faced.

i destroyed myself,

but it was wonderful,

lost my way

because i was running

with the wrong ones,

they built me up

to rip my confidence,

what a beautiful thing

being at the bottom,

stuck playing the person i’m not

to please someone

i’ve got no business

being with,

exiled myself

and drank my sorrows away,

only got to escape

when i was digging dirt

or working the fireplace,

i really became

the boogeyman,

no one dared face me

for fear of what

my sharp tongue

was capable of,

but the wins were hollow

when they couldn’t

be shared,

because who’d fall

for the boogeyman?

there’s gotta be

somebody out there

for me,

seen too many

that weren’t meant to be,

people leaving warnings

that i was ignoring,

date nights

i wasn’t enjoying,

thought i could see

past the toxicity,

i was obsessed

with the idea of you

but not the real you,

talking loads

in the uber

but i didn’t need

hollywood blvd

to know you weren’t the one,

no doubt, i needed

my sweet escape,

this city’s not for me,

someone toss me the keys

and let me ride,

no idea where i’m going

but i know that

all roads eventually

lead home.

bring me back to brighton.