6. her

you know, the other day,
i was thinking about her.
and i know it’s not, like,
healthy because she’s
off being happy with
somebody better, but
i miss what we were.
i miss talking to her,
seeing her around,
hearing her voice,
feeling like she did
care about me, and
it was hard to get it
out of my brain, too.

i wanted to pray that
everything would be
happy, and that God
would make it better,
but i remembered that
He and I no longer talk,
so prayer would just be
a pointless endeavor.

hey, if i were Him,
i wouldn’t wanna
talk to me, either.

anyway, i was just
thinking about her
because i had to
ask a question…
have you ever had
that one thing in life
that you just regret,
all the time? yeah,
that’s me with her.

i had the perfect
opportunity, but
i said “no” to her,
and i regret that
every. damn. day.
of my life. always.
not a single day
goes by where i
don’t ask myself,
“why didn’t i just
say ‘yes’ to her?”

and then i made it
worse by just being
my own, usual self -
which i think is toxic,
even though others
probably disagree -
and now i bet you
she doesn’t even
want to talk to me.
i could probably just
vanish from her life,
and she would shrug
and keep on moving.

it’s probably bad that
i keep thinking about
all of that, but i can’t
stop myself sometimes.
certain wounds don’t
heal as fast as others.
and this happens to be
one that won’t go away.
it really sucks, but i guess
that’s just life for ya, huh?

i just hope she’s happy.

5. crying

sometimes, i think about
how i can’t really cry, and
i tend to wonder if my own
anxiety attacks can just be
stopped if i could cry more.

i know, it sounds
really weird that i
say i “can’t cry,”
but honestly, my
tear ducts just
don’t let me cry
or something.
i tend to just sit,
wallowing in my
anxiety and i say,
“i wish that i could
cry right about now,
because that would
help me release my
emotions just a bit.”

but tears don’t
come out easily.
and i don’t have
a single clue why.
i tell you, though,
there are so many
days where i just
want them to flow,
i want to release
the emotions that
build inside of me,
and just let it out.

lately it just feels like
the world’s against me,
and i tend to just feel
like i’m not up to the
challenge of facing it,
so i sit and wish that
i could let this stress
flow out, but i can’t.
my body won’t let me
cry it out, and it hurts.
holding it in is painful,
but it’s all that i can do,
so i just sit here in pain
whenever i’m really sad.

i hate it.

4. holiday

gotta say, christmas
doesn’t really get me
too excited anymore.
maybe it’s something
where my anxiety is
higher when it’s cold
or something, but it’s
starting to feel like it’s
just another day now.

that’s kind of the deal
with all holidays now.
it almost feels like i
can’t get hyped for
any number of them.
each one just feels
like a regular day.
there’s nothing too
special or exciting,
it’s just another time
to pretend everything
is perfectly fine, and
it’s an opportunity to
hide all your sadness
behind fake smiles, to
pretend you’re in this
holly-jolly spirit, but
really, it’s a facade.

and i think christmas
is harder for me to feel
extremely excited about.
nowadays, material gifts
don’t do a whole lot when
there are bigger things i
wish were easier to get.
or maybe it’s because
christmas is supposed
to be a celebration of
the birth of Christ, but
since we don’t talk, the
faithful part of the day
feels lost on me now.
or maybe it’s because
my best buddy passed
around this time, and i
can only think of him
when this time comes.

i’m not sure, but
i can’t say that i’m
really too excited
on december 25th,
or any big, national
holiday these days.
the only time i can
celebrate is if i just
somehow go a day
without any anxiety.
and that just doesn’t
happen ever, does it?

holidays don’t like me.

3. good?

you know what’s
really difficult?
telling people how
i’m honestly feeling.
like, i’m too good at
saying “oh, i’m fine”
when people ask me
if i’m feeling okay, and
i tend to feel really bad,
because i worry that i’ll
get too clingy or annoying
if i tell them anything, so
i choose not to because i
don’t want to bother them.

i can’t tell you
how many times
i’ve been asked
if i was okay in
the past months,
only to respond
with “i’m okay”
because i was
scared i would
annoy people
with long text
paragraphs.
i tend to type
without even
realizing how
much i wrote,
and i always
have to say
sorry when
i send huge
messages.

but sometimes, it’s
hard to condense.
i try to make it short
but i under-explain
what i’m trying to
tell someone, and
it’s hard to fix it
without sending
huge walls of text.
so i can never find
that happy medium
length of explaining.

it’s kinda like how
i can’t even find a
middle-ground in
my personal mood:
sometimes, i’m just
too elated, and i’m
way too confident,
but the next minute,
i’m just so hopeless,
and i hate every little
thing about myself.
i hate myself just as
much as i love myself.

kinda weird, isn’t it?

2. insecurities

i have a lot of
big insecurities.
and that might
sound strange,
given that i can
be somewhat
over-confident
and that i can
try to pipe up
so many others,
but there’s things
about myself that
i really don’t like.

everyone loves my hair,
but i’m never happy with
the way that it looks on me.
i think i have a nice smile,
but i don’t show it too often
because i don’t like my teeth.
i feel like i don’t put as much
care into them as i should.
and i’m never happy with
the way my body looks.
i sometimes don’t eat and
other times, i eat too much,
and when i look in the mirror,
i either feel like i’m too skinny
or like i’m getting kinda pudgy.

and i’m never happy with
my personality traits, either.
i always feel so annoying, and
i apologize too much for things.
i type paragraph texts too much,
i post on social media too much,
i post the same things on each of
my social accounts sometimes,
and it makes me feel like i’m just
pissing off everyone around me.

and it’s not like it’s
easy to fix, because
i can’t help myself if
the signs point to it.
i want to believe that
everyone cares and
wants me to be happy,
but the more i see it,
the more i think that
everyone hates me.

i hate me, too.

1. fragile

i’ve been told before
that i’m too sensitive.
my heart’s too fragile,
i’m hurt too easily, and
people are scared they
will hurt or change me.
i guess there are things
you don’t really outgrow,
and some things are just
harder to change for me.

i wish i could change
my overly-sensitive,
super-nervous state
sometimes, and i do
wish i could get rid of
my anxiety, but i can’t.
it just kinda sticks, and
even when i’m feeling
a little better than usual,
something pops up that
makes me think about
why i’m always anxious.

maybe it’s a memory
from when she cared,
or when i got to see him
and hold him in my arms.
maybe i get anxious now
because it’s 6:17 am and
i haven’t tried to sleep yet.
maybe i’m anxious that i’ll
wake up at 4 pm again and
waste yet another day of my
winter break in my pajamas.

or maybe i’m just anxious
because it’s how i’m made.
i’m just made to be a mess,
an easily-broken person who
finds myself too often hurting,
unable to handle it and fix my
problems on my own, instead
clinging on to all of my friends,
because i’m overly-dependent
and too often begging for them
to love me and give me attention.

i wish i could be different.

broken preface

best to hit the ground running to start the new year, right? this is my 18th poetry album, “broken.” this one took a while to crack; it went through quite a few changes, the name had to be changed several times, and the final poem “ultimatum” was completely rewritten at one point, but nonetheless, this is my most raw album yet. it’s a conversational album: just my immediate thoughts tossed right into words. i’m extremely proud of it, and i’m super excited to put it out there. it’s definitely not my happiest album yet, but it’s really special to me:

1. fragile

2. insecurities

3. good?

4. holiday

5. crying

6. her

7. appropriation

8. anxiety

9. suicide

10. ultimatum