2. march

never wanted to
say it, but march
is a cursed month.
only serves to push
my anxiety further
and stress me more
than i would imagine.
i used to think that
the third month was
a time of positivity,
the weather warms,
as does my world,
but it turns out life
decided otherwise:

march 5th, 2017,
sunday morning,
my spring break
is getting started,
relaxed and happy
to have time away
from college, but
a call to my work,
“pop left us, matt.”
i tried to push on,
but it broke me up,
i couldn’t focus and
school stress built,
ended worse than
i started, and just
wasn’t the same.
i miss you, poppy,
still quote you, but
it’s just not the same
as hearing it for real.

march 2nd, 2018,
friday afternoon,
first time being
broken so hard,
introduced to her
lover and my heart,
it sank and it hurt.
just as spring break
was about to start,
she had someone
she loved all along
and that wasn’t me,
and my vacation away
was a lot less relaxed,
couldn’t even do work.
just as i started to feel
like i was better again,
the thought that i could
never be hers just kept
coming back in my head.

march 4th, 2019,
monday morning,
yet to fall asleep
because i wonder
what’s to come in
the next days, as
spring break starts
within the next week.
seems like the time
that’s cursed for me,
and i’m getting ahead
as i continue worrying,
but it feels once again
like the good start i’ve
gotten off to in 2019
could hit the skids at
any given moment and
i’m nervous that i’ll have
to pick up the pieces of
yet another tired heart.

i just want to relax.