11. "i'm not okay"

conflicted album here…
did it get angsty or
was i just tired, huh…
start to wonder but i…
i think i have an answer…

another single-night album,
heat of the moment and i
just felt like total shit then.
didn’t even tell my mama,
i didn’t want her worried,
thinking i’d take shit far
and risk my life over it.
mood for the day was
way on the down-low,
started just days before,
summer winding down and
it wasn’t a perfect one.
most solitary, lonely summer
i’ve had in the longest time,
i just couldn’t wait for it all
to be done and over with.

very rarely was i out
hanging with friends,
and those few times
i did leave the house,
i couldn’t let it show.
gets tough to put on
a face of happiness
when you don’t feel
much joy whatsoever.
death hits real close
when you know who
was taken away, and
heartbreak can never
be easy to deal with,
even when your heart
gets repaired soon after.
writing it stopped me
from puking all over
my bedroom floor.

but i’m thankful for it,
and i’m thankful for
the work i put out,
because had i not,
the happiness would
probably stay away
even longer than that.
no matter who read,
be it 200 or just 2,
i had to let it out.
right after it dropped,
the good vibes came
rolling right on back,
so even if this one
is lowest of the low,
i’m glad that it helped
get me back on my feet.

yeah, i don’t remember…
an album with no resolve…
this one didn’t, at first…
or at least i didn’t write
how it would resolve…
i’m glad it did though…
gotta love how that works…

i’m not okay.