9. "big kid"

growing up, just...
shit’s scary, right...
i mean, that’s just
how it’s supposed
to be, but it was...
just freaking me out...

let’s talk about it.

beginning of june,
rough times for me,
summer wasn’t really
going all to plan, and i
had way too much time.
all i can think of was
my fears and anxieties,
and one month before
the big 20th birthday,
i should’ve been hyped,
but instead i was scared,
didn’t wanna grow up,
didn’t wanna feel older,
didn’t wanna let my youth
escape from me, either.

i had to let it out.

i wanted this one
to be different from
my others times.
syntax and font can
change the meaning
and shed new light
on the words you write.
but lost in translation
were some of my goals.
the blog couldn’t take it,
all the quirks and edits
didn’t sit quite right.
the message was there
and the work still hits,
but i wish it looked just
a little bit different now.

the words i wrote,
i’ll love forever,
i did something
different with it
and it worked.
but i wish it had
gone more to plan
when it got put
out to the world.
but end of the day,
the words matter
more than anything,
so i’m glad this one
ended up so strong.
it might forever be
tough to follow up,
but i’m glad i can be
proud of what i wrote.

that was a sad one...
but it was needed...
had to just air out...
speak on my fears...
that’s what makes
these poems so great...
let shit out that might
not be dinner-table worthy...

big kid.