start

one year later, and i’m
right where i was then,
hopelessly devoted,
stuck in this state of
endless attachment,
just setting myself up
to be broken in the end.
love’s a vicious cycle,
it’s hard to escape from,
your brain says to stop,
but your heart holds out
for that 1% chance that
everything goes right.

there’s no logic to love,
it’s all in the feelings,
once you fall too deep,
there’s no going back.
and here i am in bed,
lying to myself again,
thinking that one day
we’ll be together when
all i’m doing is letting
myself get hurt more.
everyone asks why i’m
so distant these days,
“matt, are you okay?”
i tell them i’m fine, but
i’m really broken inside,
i feel like a fuck-up, too.

it’s hard to hide it all
behind a smile, but i’m
trying my best to do it.
every time i look at us,
i feel like this all could’ve
just been avoided if i had
known what to say before,
lowered my walls for once
and actually let you in
when you wanted me to.
now when i come around,
it was too little too late,
and i’ll never be with you.

why do i always do
this shit to myself?
the king of letting
a good thing slip,
always having to
think about things,
never able to just
go with my gut,
try something out,
always a bad cycle
and it destroys me
in the very end.
wanted to pass out
while i was in class,
i’m in so much pain,
and i wish i could
just stop feeling.

fuck my emotions.